via God in a Box
I haven’t written In a while, the last post took a lot out of me and I took time out to grieve.
Now I am staring at this blog post and wondering I always say I love to write, what should I write about?
Maybe I will write about the fact that many nights I can’t sleep because I am still haunted by the physical pain I experienced when we lost our child.
Maybe I will write about the fact that every day Taji our daughter wakes up I feel relieved because I fear that God will take her too.
Maybe I will write about that I love being a Stay At Home Mum but at least once a day I regret leaving the comfortable space of being employed with a monthly salary.
Maybe I will write about that I love being married but many times I wish I could escape, be single travelling the world with my imaginary millions, exploring all that the world has to offer.
Maybe I will write about the fact that I used to have many close friends, and now I can barely count them on one hand.Did life happen or I am just not a nice person?
Maybe I will write about the fact that many times I doubt my faith in God and I question a lot of things about my life; Is there a heaven after we die or is there only darkness? Why is there so much pain and suffering in the world? Will my family ever get to thrive or will we all die before we get to enjoy some form of wealth? Did I really hear his voice when I chose the path that I currently walk?
Maybe I will write about the fact that I want to leave a mark in this world, do something great but I doubt that I will because most of my ideas remain in my mind and rarely translate into actions.
Maybe I will write about the fact that I didn’t want to cut my hair but I did it because I was grieving and I felt ugly and at fault, and chopping my hair was like self-flagellation.
In a nutshell, this is why I stopped writing. I do not feel like I can compose the thoughts that run through my head into some form of structure, the kind that I feel should inspire.
This is all I can offer right now and I am ok with that, because look, somehow I found something to write about.
I found out I was pregnant towards the end of February. I had missed my period for over five days , my menses are never late. So I did a home pregnancy test and afterwards called my husband with the good news. He was over the moon with excitement and so was I. We had been trying to conceive for a while and for us this was an answered prayer. Taji was finally going to have a sibling!
When my husband came home I begged him to take me for a proper pregnancy blood test, I didn’t want to get too excited ,a tiny part of me was feeling paranoid that probably I had imagined the two positive lines on the home pregnancy test. We went and the test was positive! The joy properly checked in and we decided to share the good news with our loved ones. Sharing the news was a conscious decision, an act of faith because we truly believed that nothing bad was going to happen .
But it did.
Two weeks ago we went for our first ultrasound, the baby wasn’t a figment of my imagination. He or she was there , the ultrasound recorded the baby’s heartbeat. Due to my previous miscarriage the doctor wanted to be cautious and put me on cardisprin and progesterone just to do everything possible to maintain the pregnancy. We were to visit the doctor a week later for another ultrasound.
It was a bright sunny Friday. As we drove to hospital, I remember looking up at the blue sky and thinking to myself nothing bad can happen today! It was such a beautiful day. I couldn’t wait to hear the sound of the baby’s heartbeat. Hubby and I arrived at the doctor’s reception and we were ushered in do an ultrasound. I lay on the bed and the sonographer began her examination.
I could see the image on the screen, but there was dead silence. She kept probing, more silence. She asked me again for the date of my last period .I told her. She asked my husband for a copy of our previous ultrasound. He handed it to her, she glanced at it and then back at the screen. Then she finally said I can’t find the heartbeat, I will have to call your oby/gyn. She walked out to call him, he was in another office seeing other patients.
I sat up on the bed , clung to my husband and wept my heart out.
My worst fear had presented itself. We were losing our second baby. Why? How? Our child already had a name! He / she was already loved. We had already started making plans! How could God allow this to happen again?
The sonographer walked back in and requested that I allow her to try again. She did her probing, still no heartbeat. Her next words were familiar. ‘This is nature’s way of getting rid of an abnormality.’
We both said nothing. Hubby helped me to dress and we walked out and headed to see the ob/gyn. He had already received the news. He didn’t want to make a final diagnosis of miscarriage . He asked us to wait for the weekend to pass and have a second ultrasound at a more advanced facility on Monday.
The next two days went by like a blur. My husband was holding onto the hope that a miracle could still happen. I was already mourning.
Monday arrived we had the ultrasound, a different doctor confirmed that I had experienced a miscarriage. I was supposed to be 8 weeks, but the baby had stopped growing at 6 weeks. There was nothing more to say. No miracle had happened over the weekend.
After the ultrasound the doctor asked us to go back to our ob/gyn. He planned to pass his findings by phone before we got to his office.
By that time I was numb, tears kept streaming down my face. By the time we got to his office I had composed myself. We walked into his office and we began the discussion on how we were going to rid the body of our dead baby. I wanted to go for a D &C, a quick and fast procedure, like the first time. The sweet comfort of anaesthesia, and to wake up to an empty womb. The doctor was against it. He felt that the foetus was still tiny and could be dealt with using medication. I was to take meds and go home and wait to bleed out.
People, let me say that nothing prepared me what came next . Last Wednesday I took Cytotec at midnight, 48 hours after my dose of Mediprist .I began to experience familiar pains. I was having contractions. I began to bleed. The contractions continued to get stronger the pain unbearable. I had to wake up my husband to get a hot water bottle and pain killers. I couldn’t believe that I was experiencing the pains that result in the bringing forth of a newborn. What manner of cruel fate was this? Hadn’t we suffered enough?
I experienced the contractions from 12.30 until you 5am when I felt a blob leave my body and immediately the pain stopped. I went to the bathroom looked down and I saw a tiny figure on my pad. I stared at it for a long time. I felt an indescribable sadness. After changing my clothes I walked back to our bedroom and told my husband .He also looked at it and then came back to our bed. We just held each other and tried to sleep. After a whole night of madness we were both exhausted.
It has been five days I am still bleeding. I know it will stop soon. We have had alot of support from close friends and family. The visits have kept us strong. Our fridge is full, our house has been full of love and laughter and prayer. When the guests leave we try and sleep. I can’t remember the last time I slept for a full night. Hubby and I keep telling each other that this feels like a movie. Like all this happened to someone else. We have experienced a deep loss And maybe one day soon I will stop feeling like a lost soul drifting on the open seas. Looking out into a deep deep darkness.
It happened again. Only God knows why.
See you soon our little angels. Mummy and Dad will always love you.
The past two years have been a journey of self-discovery. As the year 2017 drew to a close I was able to experience moments of total clarity in terms of my goals for the year 2018. My main goal this year is to do more to help others. I do acknowledge that I do not have millions stored away in the bank but I do have ideas that I can share towards projects that are working towards transforming lives. So today I want to share with you the story about a project that is close to my heart.
I was raised in a Christian home by parents who have always been active in the church. When we were very young my parents together with Japanese missionaries living in Kenya started a church. They called it Kyuna Christian Fellowship, Loresho. It didn’t take them long to realise that there was a need for quality education for the children in the neighbouring slums of Kibagare. Koinonia Education Centre was then established in 2003 with a student population of 13 kindergarten-aged children. The school continued to grow and eventually they had to seek for larger premises to accommodate the growing number of students.
This brought them to their current location at St Stephen’s ACK church hall in Redhill off Limuru road.
Koinonia is a purely non-profit organisation that runs solely on donations from well-wishers. It is through these funds that enabled the school to acquire a piece of land in Mai-Mahiu with the hope of releasing themselves from the high costs of rent and finally settling down in their own ‘home’.
I have watched the school grow over the years, seen the transformation in the kids, seen my parents and the management team toil over the years to ensure that the Koinonia vision continues to succeed and flourish. Finally I have accepted the call in my heart to help out in telling their story with the hope that you will send your donations towards the project to build a school in Mai Mahiu.
No amount is too little, no amount is too much. Find it in your heart to join this noble cause. I will be happy to provide as much information as you require. In the coming months, I will be sharing ways in which you can participate in fundraising for Koinonia Education Centre.
In the meantime check out the links below and read more about the Koinonia story.
Today’s post will be completely different from my regular posts.I have been meaning to write a product review for a while now so here we go!
I literally stumbled across this product whilst attending the Koroga Festival a month ago. The lady at the stand introduced me to a whole range of products made from Moringa powder. After trying out all the tea samples and listening to the list of their benefits I settled on trying out the Beauty Me Organic herb and spice tea.
The first thing I will say is their packaging is fantastic. The classiest tin I have ever seen for herbal tea. This particular tea I was told would help me before and during my monthly period. In the past, my PMS symptoms have been getting more and more pronounced to the point of suffering from depression and extremely low energy levels. I felt like this sounded like the cure for all my problems. This is the second month since I began taking this tea and I can honestly say it has helped to counteract the hormonal rollercoaster that I usually undergo. Like today I was feeling extremely nauseous and after taking the tea the urge to throw up disappeared.
The tea is packaged in its natural state, all you do to prepare it is take and pour a tea-spoonful into a boiling cup of hot water. Let it steep for five minutes then drink. You can choose to sieve out the contents or drink as it is. Sometimes I add a little organic honey to sweeten the taste.
Definitely, worth the money I spent, I will be a return customer once it is finished.
PS : This is not a sponsored post ( I WISH) check out the rest of their products on the pages below.
Website : https://www.me.or.ke/
Facebook : https://www.facebook.com/memoringakenya/
My husband and I woke up early this morning as it was a normal work day. The roads were deserted ,no traffic at all which is completely abnormal for a Friday in Nairobi.
There is still palpable tension in the air as people await to see what happens in the next few days. I woke up at peace today. You see for the past few months since August 8th my heart has been bleeding. All you have to do is google Kenya elections and the stories and images that pop up will tell you the whole story.
When I voted in August I had hope that things were going to change. Since then I have become increasingly aware that I had no idea of how things work in the political world. I am but a mere pawn in the quest for political power and it pains and angers me. I do not trust that any of our current leaders stay up at night wondering how they can improve the lives of the people. I do not believe that any of them are heartbroken like I am at the tribal hatred among Kenyans. I feel like they do not care. As the second election day draws closer and as I continued to hear the different stories on the ground , I realised things were progressively getting worse. Nothing from our leaders was done to quell the mayhem.Political campaigns continued as families from both sides of the divide nursed their injuries and buried their dead.
So on October 26th, I a Kenyan of Meru and Kikuyu descent chose to abstain from voting. My conscience could not allow me to participate in a process that was has been marred by so much pain. Let me be clear ,currently I support no one and in the future will only participate when I feel that the status quo has truly began to change.
As it is Kenya needs a clear path to healing and I pray that one day a leader will stand up ,and guide us to true reconciliation.
I have peace , I made a choice for myself and I can account for it if I faced God today.
Enjoy the rest of October .
One of the things I always strive to do as a writer is to be open as much as possible. If I cannot be authentic about my experiences as a parent then what is the point of this blog? I know you enjoyed my previous post on Taji’s cute toddler lingo, but today you will be enjoying the ‘ugly ‘ truth about raising this cutie.
Before I continue first some background facts.If I was to describe my personality I’d say I am more intuitive than anything else. My husband, on the other hand, is a doer. I’d relate him to a charging bull sometimes ! ( hides ). My 21-month toddler appears to be taking his personality traits. She is extremely confident, is not afraid to speak her mind and likes everything her way.
I find myself struggling daily with whether to discipline her or try and decipher what her latest tantrum is trying to communicate. Let me give an example, earlier today I had her repeating the word water over and over again. I was in another room and didn’t go running to see what was going on because I knew I had left her water bottle close to her in case she gets thirsty. After a few minutes of her saying it over and over, she came to find me. She marched over to the laundry basket and picked a t-shirt and took off. I chased her down and tried to take it back and she screamed in frustration! I took a breath and in that instance where I was tempted to spank her, decided to give it back to her and asked her to show me the water.
She took the t-shirt and ran off towards the sitting room and led me to a puddle of water on the floor. She then proceeded to wipe the water with the t-shirt. That for me was an aha moment in this parenting journey. I felt proud of her for knowing that she needed to clean up the mess that she had created after pouring some water. If I had spanked her and moved on I wouldn’t have ‘listened’ to what she was trying to tell me. I will try and remember to take a breath the next time she pulls a mind numbing tantrum that makes me want to hand her over to the highest bidder!There are times I feel like she is possessed by an evil spirit because of the never ending crying spells and tantrums and the word MINE! being repeated over and over. On days like that, I feel depleted and like someone has sucked out all my energy. As much as I do not like chaos, as a parent I have no choice. I have to dive into the chaos and continue to learn how to correctly raise and discipline my strong willed child.
I hope and pray that I do not spank her too much, that in my disciplining I do not stifle her creativity and confidence. There will be times for the ‘rod’ and there will be times to listen. May I always have the wisdom and the patience to figure it all out in the journey ahead.
How do you discipline your child? How do you deal with tantrums? Do you believe in spanking or talking? I found this infographic on this page HERE that I think is pretty helpful to decipher a child’s behaviour.
Nowadays I find myself spending a few minutes day staring at my daughter and thinking she is growing up so fast! Where does time truly go?
She is almost two years old and is a bundle of energy and independence. Mostly what melts my heart into a puddle of mushiness is her speech. It is so adorable! I keep planning to record the way she currently speaks so that I can remind her later when she is older.
This ladies and gentlemen is Taji’s glossary of vocabulary. I will spell out the words the way I hear her pronounce them.
1.Uppa – High Five
2.Goshe- Sheng for Gota , means to Fist bump in English.
3.Nyam nyam- food
4.Owange- Orange fruit slices or orange fresh juice.
7.Miuk-Milk, also yoghurt
8.Come -pick me up, also let us go , usually accompanied with her dragging me to follow her.
9.Up- pick me up, also put me down
13.Babe- her dad, my husband ( face palm)
15.Vroom – Car
16.Bwash- Brush, she says this mostly in the morning when she wants to brush her teeth.
17.Wotat? – What is that?
18.Wosho?- What is wrong?
19.Sheesh coming?- This is usually said when someone leaves the house and she wants confirmation that they will return.
20.Here! -listen to me! Look at this! Give it to me! This word is repeated over and over until you do what she wants and if you do not understand her command prepare for the screaming.
21. Taytu- Thank You
The list goes on and on! Most of the time she speaks or sings in her native toddler babble, which I just pretend to understand and respond to.
What cute words does your child use that make you want them to remain kids forever?
As a mother even after 20months I still feel like a newbie.I am constantly questioning different things and juggling different anxieties in relation to raising Miss T.
Some of the questions that cruise through my brain are laughable, some are serious.I think.Do you recognise some of them ?😊
1.After a meal.. Was that enough food ?Should I add more ?What if I overfeed her and she becomes obese or gets diabetes?? *sigh*
2.After reading a baby center article..Oh my gosh my toddler should have stopped using a milk bottle with teats by now! It will rot her teeth!Should I throw out the new ones I just bought her and buy sippy cups?She needs her teeth!
3.How much cow milk is too much ?Can one get an overdose of Calcium? 😅
4.Should I introduce the potty now?(afterwards)Is the potty too shallow, maybe she got into contact with the urine!Ohmigosh I hope she doesn’t get an infection!
5.Pull up diapers pants or no?Are they compulsory?
6.Why does she love to pinch and scratch and hit me so much and not her dad ? Whyyyyyyy? *wails in corner in a pool of tears *Not.Ha.
7.When does one stop using diaper cream on a child’s bum?
8. When does discipline start setting in and how much smacking is too much ?
And so on, and so forth.I could keep going but I won’t, I think I have shown you enough of my crazy! 😀
Care to share your thoughts and questions that run through your heads as fellow mums?
Let’s talk .
Romans 12:2New International Version (NIV)
2 Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.