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Hospital Diaries:Day two +3

Insomnia has struck and It is 01:08am two nights after I got admitted.

Terribly homesick and missing my baby girl. I have been talking to her regularly but It’s not the same as being able to hug and hold her whenever I want to.

Actually when I do get home I realise now that I will have to be super careful how and when I hold her.

Let me explain. My surgery happened yesterday at 12.30pm . It took two hours and was successful thankfully. My doctor was able to get out the Fibroids whilst leaving my uterus intact and I didn’t need a blood transfusion. A win win in my books as those were my biggest concerns going in.

I had asked the anaesthetist and doctor to take many photos of the procedure and especially of the Fibroids once removed. Those things are grotesque looking things that should not be growing inside of me! I am so glad they are out.

The pain after surgery has been indescribable. Getting up and out of the bed a task. Yesterday I spent most of time happily passed out from the left anaesthesia and pain meds. It was only earlier today I was advised during my daily review that I needed to start walking around and going to the toilet that I experienced the pain.

This was serious surgery. I don’t know what I was expecting afterwards but this is the most pain I have ever had to endure. I am now fully aware that recovery is going to be a long and painful journey and I will need to take it easy when I get home.

Thankful for the friends and family that have been passing by to see me. They have kept me going, helping to pass the time. I thought I would spend my free time on Netflix but instead prefer to have long conversations with hubby when he is able to stay after everyone has left. Poor guy he must be so exhausted, I Am so grateful to him.

I have gotten to read a few chapters of the novel I carried, something I rarely get time to do.

The food has been alright, the nurssing care amazing. Everyone has been so patient and kind to me. I count that a blessing.

I hope I get to sleep after I post this, I really do need to rest. All the hobbling on the corridors has tuckered me out.

Let’s talk tomorrow.

Picture of me happily blacked out, after surgery. Ha ha.

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Hospital Diaries: Day one

Facebook memories reminded me this morning that I was in hospital some years ago for leg surgery .I find It Ironic that yet again I am in hospital for a different kind of surgery.

I am not a superstitious person but I have been asking myself, what is the deal with the month of September God?

I have previously talked about my experience with Fibroids and how they have tormented by body. My ob/gyn had recommended that I have surgery to have them removed three years ago, but I wasn’t mentally ready to go through the procedure back then.

A month or two ago I had to make the decision to push through my fears and anxiety about it and seek a second opinion.

I booked an appointment at Footsteps of Fertility run by Dr Wanjiru Ndegwa. My experience with her has been amazing I describe my interactions with her as akin to receiving multiple warm hugs.

After she had sent me for ultrasounds her conclusion was the same. Surgery was no longer an option .

So that Is why on September 24th 2018 , I am scheduled for surgery today.

I am thankful that my family and friends have spent time praying for me. That must be the reason why today I feel no fear, only a sense of acceptance.

That at the end of the day, we cannot control what will happen in our lives . We can however hand over control to God our father and entrust him with every situation that comes in life.

Kirk Franklin’s lyrics ring true this morning..

I know that I can make It

I know that I can stand

No matter what may come my way

My life is in your hands!

Stay tuned for more hospital chronicles ūüėä

Still Figuring It Out.

It is already September! Wow! This year has gone by so fast, and I for one will not complain. I feel like this year has been like the choppy waves of an ocean during a storm. I have been flung against the rocks, and when I get up to walk and enjoy the sunny interludes the storm hits again and I am back against the rocks. PHEW, I just want to breathe, please? The sunny interludes are mostly brought by the joys of raising our toddler. Taji is a treasure! I love her so much. It is truly a joy to see her personality develop into this insightful, clever, fun and sensitive little human. She still throws the occasional tantrum and has completely refused to ditch her diapers for the potty, but overall I would not trade her for anything. I pray that God keeps her on the planet for many years for I am sure she will do great things.

Now that I have talked about Taji, I want to talk about the season that I am currently going through. I am still a Stay At Home mum mulling over new ideas on making an income from home. I started recording videos early this year to talk about my experiences as a SAHM. I must admit It was a huge struggle. Standing in front of a camera and pouring out my heart is hard enough. It is even harder when you are facing inner battles. I have talked before about the identity crisis I faced after I left work, the loneliness and depression that comes with being not only a new mum but a new mum isolated from the world. So naturally, my self-esteem has taken a beating over the years that¬† I have remained at home. I have questioned my role in this world and even wondered if I would be happier going back to employment so that I could contribute once again to our family’s income and be involved in the day to day activities with other adults. So yes, doing the videos I felt Like I wasn’t good enough. I didn’t dress up because I couldn’t even muster the energy to do it. The videos felt like just another therapeutic avenue to help me navigate through my struggles. When my husband edited and posted them for me I could barely watch them, I couldn’t even stand listening to my voice! Surprisingly people liked them, even with my lacklustre delivery! I didn’t know that there was a community of stay at home mums looking for a platform to share their stories. So I kept churning out content even as I was still healing from a miscarriage and the grief that followed, still, people responded positively.¬† Until recently when I decided to feature my husband in a series where we decided to share our experiences about marriage. The videos were shared all over social media and conversations ensued. This is was a good thing because I wanted to create healthy and authentic conversations beyond what is portrayed on social media. I didn’t care that people didn’t agree with what we were talking about after all everyone has a right to their opinion. The one thing that shook me to my core was seeing the comments that some women shared, about my appearance and my delivery on some of my earlier videos. Here were strangers, fellow women ,some of them mothers discussing the very things that I am most insecure about for all the world to see . It destroyed me. I barely slept that night as the words I had read rang through my head. The voices that whisper all my insecurities got louder and I even decided that I was done with videos. Why should I put myself out there when I am not strong enough to face the ugly side of the internet?¬† Shouldn’t I stick to the comfortable safe space of my first love ..writing?

I am still thinking about it. I want to protect my soul and my mind and my heart. I am still healing from the onslaughts that life has brought my way. Until then, I will continue to write and work to become better at it.

 

Now I need to go and get my daughter some ”vayiya’‘ yoghurt, (vanilla) she is currently shouting..put the computah DOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWN! haha Toddlers.

 

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God in a Box

via God in a Box

What do I write about ?

I haven’t written In a while, the last post took a lot out of me and I took time out to grieve.

Now I am staring at this blog post and wondering I always say I love to write, what should I write about?

ask blackboard chalk board chalkboard

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

Maybe I will write about the fact that many nights I can’t sleep because I am still haunted by the physical pain I experienced when we lost our child.

Maybe I will write about the fact that every day Taji our daughter wakes up I feel relieved because I fear that God will take her too.

Maybe I will write about that I love being a Stay At Home Mum but at least once a day I regret leaving the comfortable space of being employed with a monthly salary.

Maybe I will write about that I love being married but many times I wish I could escape, be single travelling the world with my imaginary millions, exploring all that the world has to offer.

Maybe I will write about the fact that I used to have many close friends, and now I can barely count them on one hand.Did life happen or I am just not a nice person?

Maybe I will write about the fact that many times I doubt my faith in God and I question a lot of things about my life; Is there a heaven after we die or is there only darkness? Why is there so much pain and suffering in the world? Will my family ever get to thrive or will we all die before we get to enjoy some form of wealth? Did I really hear his voice when I chose the path that I currently walk?

Maybe I will write about the fact that I want to leave a mark in this world, do something great but I doubt that I will because most of my ideas remain in my mind and rarely translate into actions.

Maybe I will write about the fact that I didn’t want to cut my hair but I did it because I was grieving and I felt ugly and at fault, and chopping my hair was like self-flagellation.

In a nutshell, this is why I stopped writing. I do not feel like I can compose the thoughts that run through my head into some form of structure, the kind that I feel should inspire.

This is all I can offer right now and I am ok with that, because look, somehow I found something to write about.

It happened again

I found out I was pregnant towards the end of February. I had missed my period for over five days , my menses are never late. So I did a home pregnancy test and afterwards called my husband with the good news. He was over the moon with excitement and so was I. We had been trying to conceive for a while and for us this was an answered prayer. Taji was finally going to have a sibling!

When my husband came home I begged him to take me for a proper pregnancy blood test, I didn’t want to get too excited ,a tiny part of me was feeling paranoid that probably I had imagined the two positive lines on the home pregnancy test. We went and the test was positive! The joy properly checked in and we decided to share the good news with our loved ones. Sharing the news was a conscious decision, an act of faith because we truly believed that nothing bad was going to happen .

But it did.

Two weeks ago we went for our first ultrasound, the baby wasn’t a figment of my imagination. He or she was there , the ultrasound recorded the baby’s heartbeat. Due to my previous miscarriage the doctor wanted to be cautious and put me on cardisprin and progesterone just to do everything possible to maintain the pregnancy. We were to visit the doctor a week later for another ultrasound.

It was a bright sunny Friday. As we drove to hospital, I remember looking up at the blue sky and thinking to myself nothing bad can happen today! It was such a beautiful day. I couldn’t wait to hear the sound of the baby’s heartbeat. Hubby and I arrived at the doctor’s reception and we were ushered in do an ultrasound. I lay on the bed and the sonographer began her examination.

I could see the image on the screen, but there was dead silence. She kept probing, more silence. She asked me again for the date of my last period .I told her. She asked my husband for a copy of our previous ultrasound. He handed it to her, she glanced at it and then back at the screen. Then she finally said I can’t find the heartbeat, I will have to call your oby/gyn. She walked out to call him, he was in another office seeing other patients.

I sat up on the bed , clung to my husband and wept my heart out.

My worst fear had presented itself. We were losing our second baby. Why? How? Our child already had a name! He / she was already loved. We had already started making plans! How could God allow this to happen again?

The sonographer walked back in and requested that I allow her to try again. She did her probing, still no heartbeat. Her next words were familiar. ‘This is nature’s way of getting rid of an abnormality.’

We both said nothing. Hubby helped me to dress and we walked out and headed to see the ob/gyn. He had already received the news. He didn’t want to make a final diagnosis of miscarriage . He asked us to wait for the weekend to pass and have a second ultrasound at a more advanced facility on Monday.

The next two days went by like a blur. My husband was holding onto the hope that a miracle could still happen. I was already mourning.

Monday arrived we had the ultrasound, a different doctor confirmed that I had experienced a miscarriage. I was supposed to be 8 weeks, but the baby had stopped growing at 6 weeks. There was nothing more to say. No miracle had happened over the weekend.

After the ultrasound the doctor asked us to go back to our ob/gyn. He planned to pass his findings by phone before we got to his office.

By that time I was numb, tears kept streaming down my face. By the time we got to his office I had composed myself. We walked into his office and we began the discussion on how we were going to rid the body of our dead baby. I wanted to go for a D &C, a quick and fast procedure, like the first time. The sweet comfort of anaesthesia, and to wake up to an empty womb. The doctor was against it. He felt that the foetus was still tiny and could be dealt with using medication. I was to take meds and go home and wait to bleed out.

People, let me say that nothing prepared me what came next . Last Wednesday I took Cytotec at midnight, 48 hours after my dose of Mediprist .I began to experience familiar pains. I was having contractions. I began to bleed. The contractions continued to get stronger the pain unbearable. I had to wake up my husband to get a hot water bottle and pain killers. I couldn’t believe that I was experiencing the pains that result in the bringing forth of a newborn. What manner of cruel fate was this? Hadn’t we suffered enough?

I experienced the contractions from 12.30 until you 5am when I felt a blob leave my body and immediately the pain stopped. I went to the bathroom looked down and I saw a tiny figure on my pad. I stared at it for a long time. I felt an indescribable sadness. After changing my clothes I walked back to our bedroom and told my husband .He also looked at it and then came back to our bed. We just held each other and tried to sleep. After a whole night of madness we were both exhausted.

It has been five days I am still bleeding. I know it will stop soon. We have had alot of support from close friends and family. The visits have kept us strong. Our fridge is full, our house has been full of love and laughter and prayer. When the guests leave we try and sleep. I can’t remember the last time I slept for a full night. Hubby and I keep telling each other that this feels like a movie. Like all this happened to someone else. We have experienced a deep loss And maybe one day soon I will stop feeling like a lost soul drifting on the open seas. Looking out into a deep deep darkness.

It happened again. Only God knows why.

See you soon our little angels. Mummy and Dad will always love you.

Koinonia Education Centre

The past two years have been a journey of self-discovery. As the year 2017 drew to a close I was able to experience moments of total clarity in terms of my goals for the year 2018. My main goal this year is to do more to help others. I do acknowledge that I do not have millions stored away in the bank but I do have ideas that I can share towards projects that are working towards transforming lives. So today I want to share with you the story about a project that is close to my heart.

Koinonia Picture

 

I was raised in a Christian home by parents who have always been active in the church. When we were very young my parents together with Japanese missionaries living in Kenya started a church. They called it Kyuna Christian Fellowship, Loresho.¬† It didn’t take them long to realise that there was a need for quality education for the children in the neighbouring slums of Kibagare. Koinonia¬† Education Centre was then established in 2003 with a student population of 13¬† kindergarten-aged children. The school continued to grow and eventually they had to seek for larger premises to accommodate the growing number of students.

This brought them to their current location at St Stephen’s¬† ACK¬† church hall in Redhill off Limuru road.

Koinonia is a purely non-profit organisation that runs solely on donations from well-wishers. It is through these funds that enabled the school to acquire a piece of land in Mai-Mahiu with the hope of releasing themselves from the high costs of rent and finally settling down in their own ‘home’.

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I have watched the school grow over the years, seen the transformation in the kids, seen my parents and the management team toil over the years to ensure that the Koinonia vision continues to succeed and flourish. Finally I have accepted the call in my heart to help out in telling their story   with the hope that you will send your donations towards the project to build a school in Mai Mahiu.

No amount is too little, no amount is too much. Find it in your heart to join this noble cause. I will be happy to provide as much information as you require. In the coming months, I will be sharing ways in which you can participate in fundraising for Koinonia Education Centre.

 

In the meantime check out the links below and read more about the Koinonia story.

 

http://www.koinoniaeducationcentre.or.ke/

https://www.facebook.com/KoinoniaEducationCentre/

 

 

 

Monthly Health

Today’s post will be completely different from my regular posts.I have been meaning to write a product review for a while now so here we go!

I literally stumbled across this product whilst attending the Koroga Festival a month ago. The lady at the stand introduced me to a whole range of products made from Moringa powder. After trying out all the tea samples and listening to the list of their benefits I settled on trying out the Beauty Me Organic herb and spice tea.

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The first thing I will say is their packaging is fantastic. The classiest tin I have ever seen for herbal tea. This particular tea I was told would help me before and during my monthly period. In the past, my PMS symptoms have been getting more and more pronounced to the point of suffering from depression and extremely low energy levels. I felt like this sounded like the cure for all my problems. This is the second month since I began taking this tea and I can honestly say it has helped to counteract the hormonal rollercoaster that I usually undergo. Like today I was feeling extremely nauseous and after taking the tea the urge to throw up disappeared.

The tea is packaged in its natural state, all you do to prepare it is take and pour a tea-spoonful into a boiling cup of hot water. Let it steep for five minutes then drink. You can choose to sieve out the contents or drink as it is. Sometimes I add a little organic honey to sweeten the taste.

Definitely, worth the money I spent, I will be a return customer once it is finished.

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PS : This is not a sponsored post ( I WISH) check out the rest of their products on the pages below.

 

Website : https://www.me.or.ke/

Instagram: memoringaforlife

Facebook : https://www.facebook.com/memoringakenya/

Stay healthy!

 

 

 

 

I abstained

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My husband and I woke up early this morning as it was a normal work day. The roads were deserted ,no traffic at all which is completely abnormal for a Friday in Nairobi.

There is still palpable tension in the air as people await to see what happens in the next few days. I woke up at peace today. You see for the past few months since August 8th my heart has been bleeding. All you have to do is google Kenya elections and the stories and images that pop up will tell you the whole story.

When I voted in August I had hope that things were going to change. Since then I have become increasingly aware that I had no idea of how things work in the political world. I am but a mere pawn in the quest for political power and it pains and angers me. I do not trust that any of our current leaders stay up at night wondering how they can improve the lives of the people. I do not believe that any of them are heartbroken like I am at the tribal hatred among Kenyans. I feel like they do not care. As the second election day draws closer and as I continued to hear the different stories on the ground , I realised things were progressively getting worse. Nothing from our leaders was done to quell the mayhem.Political campaigns continued as families from both sides of the divide nursed their injuries and buried their dead.

So on October 26th, I a Kenyan of Meru and Kikuyu descent chose to abstain from voting. My conscience could not allow me to participate in a process that was has been marred by so much pain. Let me be clear ,currently I support no one and in the future will only participate when I feel that the status quo has truly began to change.

As it is Kenya needs a clear path to healing and I pray that one day a leader will stand up ,and guide us to true reconciliation.

 

I have peace , I made a choice for myself and I can account for it if I faced God today.

 

Enjoy the rest of October .

Raising a strong-willed child.

One of the things I always strive to do as a writer is to be open as much as possible. If I cannot be authentic about my experiences as a parent then what is the point of this blog?  I know you enjoyed my previous post on Taji’s cute toddler lingo, but today you will be enjoying the ‘ugly ‘ truth about raising this cutie.

Before I continue first some background facts.If I was to describe my personality I’d say I am more intuitive than anything else. My husband, on the other hand, is a doer. I’d relate him to a charging bull sometimes ! ( hides ). My 21-month toddler appears to be taking his personality traits. She is extremely confident, is not afraid to speak her mind and likes everything her way.

I find myself struggling daily with whether to discipline her or try and decipher what her latest tantrum is trying to communicate. Let me give an example, earlier today I had her repeating the word water over and over again. I was in another room and didn’t go running to see what was going on because I knew I had left her water bottle close to her in case she gets thirsty.  After a few minutes of her saying it over and over, she came to find me. She marched over to the laundry basket and picked a t-shirt and took off. I chased her down and tried to take it back and she screamed in frustration! I took a breath and in that instance where I was tempted to spank her,  decided to give it back to her and asked her to show me the water.

She took the t-shirt and ran off towards the sitting room and led me to a puddle of water on the floor. She then proceeded to wipe the water with the t-shirt. That for me was an aha moment in this parenting journey. I felt proud of her for knowing that she needed to clean up the mess that she had created after pouring some water. If I had spanked her and moved on I wouldn’t have ‘listened’ to what she was trying to tell me. I will try and remember to take a breath the next time she pulls a mind numbing tantrum that makes me want to hand her over to the highest bidder!There are times I feel like she is possessed by an evil spirit because of the never ending crying spells and tantrums and the word MINE! being repeated over and over. On days like that, I feel depleted and like someone has sucked out all my energy. As much as I do not like chaos, as a parent I have no choice. I have to dive into the chaos and continue to learn how to correctly raise and discipline my strong willed child.

I hope and pray that I do not spank her too much, that in my disciplining I do not stifle her creativity and confidence. There will be times for the ‘rod’ and there will be times to listen. May I always have the wisdom and the patience to figure it all out in the journey ahead.

How do you discipline your child?  How do you deal with tantrums? Do you believe in spanking or talking? I found this infographic on this page HERE that I think is pretty helpful to decipher a child’s behaviour.

Infograph source : http://www.infoforfamilies.com/blog/2013/6/12/how-to-raise-a-happy-successful-and-cooperative-child-while-disciplining-less