UNMASKED (PART TWO)

Rere pic10b

So where were we..

My eyes were closed as I lay there waiting to hear what the radiologist would say. I waited to hear the sound of our baby’s heartbeat. But all I heard was silence. I opened my eyes and looked at her and her eyes were full of pity and sadness. I looked at the screen and there was a flat line where the heart beat should be. She asked me a few questions, I was supposed to be 10 weeks pregnant on that day, but according to the scan the baby had stopped growing at around 7-8 weeks.

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That meant our baby had been dead for two weeks. The nurse said ‘pole (sorry), you will get another child’. I didn’t want to hear it, I was helped off the bed and went to the changing room with my husband and friend and I cried. I don’t remember what they said to me as I changed. Everything was a blur after that; we walked out of the hospital as my husband called our doctor to update him about the ultrasound results. He asked us to see him first thing the next day to discuss the way forward.

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I honestly don’t know what happened that night. I don’t remember what my husband and I talked about, whether we had dinner if I even slept. I only remember feeling like my world had come to a standstill. I was numb I felt indescribable grief. I didn’t want the world to continue moving like nothing had happened. This was our first child, we already loved this child (boy /girl only God knows I have to refer to the baby as them) .Every morning my husband and I would lay hands on my belly and pray over our baby.

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We were excited, nervous at the prospect of being first time parents but we were already having conversations about all the plans we would have to make in the coming months. We had prayed, our friends had prayed, our family had prayed and yet the baby died. How was I supposed to make peace with that? Why? Had I done something wrong? Was I paying for the sins from my past? I had so many questions; so many morbid thoughts of wanting to die as well ran through my head.

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Anyway the next day we say our doctor and we made plans to have a D&C (Dilation and curettage). This is a procedure conducted under anaesthesia to clean out the womb of the baby tissue. I still don’t remember how or when those plans were made; my husband took care of everything. Bless him, he was mourning too but had to be strong for the both of us. It wasn’t possible to have the procedure that same day as the hospital theatre was booked. So we went home ready to come back the next day. That night was the longest night of my life. I bled a lot. This was expected as the body was beginning to expel our child. I had cramps and I bled. It wasn’t enough that we were in emotional pain now I had to go through the physical pain as well.

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By the time the morning came and we headed to the hospital I couldn’t wait to have the D& C done. I was relieved this nightmare would finally be over. I said goodbye to our baby and waited for the anaesthesia to put my body under so that this would be over. I welcomed it; I wanted to be dead to my emotions, dead to my pain. I enjoyed the feeling of the drug flowing into my veins and putting me out of my misery, I slept.

I woke up later in recovery and the first thing I heard was a baby crying. I remember thinking and asking what manner of sadism is this God? Aren’t you going to protect me from even this? I felt him say to me that this was his promise to me that I would hear the cry of our child someday. That word from God didn’t comfort me, I was too angry I didn’t want to trust or believe or hope again. I just wanted to wait for the hours to pass until it was time to go home.

People visited me in hospital that went by like a dream. People visited us at home; I was on medication and on bed rest as I was still in pain. Our friends and family came, they cooked they cleaned, they fed us. They prayed with us, they were there. That helped a lot I will be forever thankful, because we would never have gotten through that period if we were just the two of us in our home, drowned in a heavy cloud of sorrow.

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The next few months were difficult, we saw a therapist. It helped. We just threw ourselves back into normal life. The possibility of trying to conceive again was far from our minds. We were both afraid that history would repeat itself and so shelved that idea of having children and went on with our lives. We grew closer than ever before. We had been through a traumatic experience our first year into our young marriage and had somehow gotten through it.

So 2015 came along, we had put that chapter of July 2014 behind us and lo and behold I conceived again. We were both scared but here we are 6 and half months later. Our baby is still, healthy, alive and kicking, I believe that this child will make it into this world as a testimony of God’s healing and restoration. Hope has truly visited our marriage again and we cannot wait for the birth of our first born child.

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Allow me to share these verses that encouraged me during this season.

The Year of the Lord’s Favor

61 The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me,
    because the Lord has anointed me
    to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
    to proclaim freedom for the captives
    and release from darkness for the prisoners,[a]
to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor
    and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,
    and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
    instead of ashes,
the oil of joy
    instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
    instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
    a planting of the Lord
    for the display of his splendor.

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19 responses

  1. fridarchie

    He gives beauty for ashes, strength for fear, gladness for mourning peace for despair. Rere, I’m glad God is using your experience to heal others who’ve been through the same… You’re blessed!

    Like

    August 19, 2015 at 3:45 am

  2. fridarchie

    He gives beauty for ashes, strength for fear, gladness for mourning, peace for despair. You’re blessed to be a blessing, keep on writing dear ~ God is clearly using you!

    Liked by 1 person

    August 19, 2015 at 3:50 am

    • i was just singing that song this morning 🙂 thankful to be used by God.and thank you for reading my dear your support is soooo appreciated.

      Like

      August 19, 2015 at 5:13 am

  3. You’ve been through the Refiner’s fire & you are glowing now.. I’ve been there & I totally get your pain.. When you hear your baby’s first cry, all your pain will be a distant memory.. Love you AC, it is well..

    Like

    August 19, 2015 at 5:17 am

    • Thanks AC love you too . i am encouraged and feeling blessed . 🙂

      Like

      August 19, 2015 at 8:54 am

  4. Cha

    Thank you for sharing and sorry for your loss. He gives beauty for ashes.
    How can someone offer support to a couple going through the same thing especially if they don’t believe in God?

    Like

    August 19, 2015 at 6:32 am

    • Thank you Cha for reaching out and asking such an important question. All that couple needs is to know that they are not alone and for the people around them to acknowledge their loss. There seems to be a general theme -i think its African that we pretend that the unborn child never existed and one is expected to put their feelings of loss in a box and pack it away and move on with life. Its hard for parents because there is no funeral, so what to do with the pain? It isnt healthy to pretend nothing happened, advise them to see a counsellor it will be good for their relationship to confront, heal and grow from this experience. Hope that helps.

      Like

      August 19, 2015 at 8:53 am

  5. Bertha

    Hi Karimi, thank you for taking us through your journey which has become an inspiration to many…. it is true he gives beauty for ashes, strength for fear….. may he continue using you as his instrument. Baraka tele

    Like

    August 19, 2015 at 11:29 am

  6. In the Office and couldn’t hold back my Tears. I am not a mother but I can’t imagine the pain you went through after creating a bond with your little one. Thank you for sharing your story , that many women are not afraid and feel alone. Most people think that as long as a baby was not born their is no bond. Congratulations and May this new bundle bring you so much joy beyond your imagination and grow to be as strong as Mama.

    Like

    August 19, 2015 at 12:04 pm

  7. Reblogged this on Hellen Alberts Achiando and commented:
    Karimi Kagwe you are not only strong to share your story but to lift other Women who feel alone in this journey and scared to mourn an unborn child especially African Women because people think its not that bad and no bond was created.

    Like

    August 19, 2015 at 12:07 pm

  8. Mel

    aww its for tears Karimi and George, and Amen I agree with you, that you shall meet you rlittle baby and I will come visit ululating as loudly as I can about the Lord’s goodness. and Every moment of this pregnancy, birth and parenting shall be filled with joy for the two of you.

    Like

    August 19, 2015 at 5:53 pm

  9. An amazing testimony. God bless you for sharing. You and George will make great parents. Congratulations.

    Like

    August 19, 2015 at 6:47 pm

  10. Kanyi

    ❤ ❤

    Like

    August 20, 2015 at 3:25 am

  11. Ndindi Ng'ang'a

    You got me at ‘I didnt want to trust or believe or hope…” Now look what the Lord has done! You are a real testimony my dear. I am inspired that you shared this story with us. God bless you and George and your baby!

    Like

    August 20, 2015 at 6:34 am

  12. What to say…so deep…so real…so moving…yet so hopeful…

    Like

    August 20, 2015 at 10:06 am

  13. He gives beauty for ashes and gladness for mourning!

    Like

    August 21, 2015 at 9:01 am

  14. Nemu, I can’t completely even want to imagine your loss, I am still hoping and praying for my little dude and glory to God for 31 weeks we have had together.I’ve faced the fear of losing him from week 3 and it’s devastating so I can’t fathom if it happened. I thank God for giving you strength and wiping your tears. I’m glad we facing this joy and fear together, I will keep you in prayer dear. Thanks for sharing…..you are so strong

    Like

    August 21, 2015 at 8:03 pm

  15. Sandie

    That is so beautiful, it’s honesty, it’s hope and it’s amazing. Am sorry you had to go through that but am glad that your pregnant and the baby is strong. So many women go through this and have no way of expressing how they feel, your courage to do this is amazing.

    Like

    September 7, 2015 at 6:39 am

    • thank you Sandie..the strength is truly from God.

      Like

      September 24, 2015 at 7:42 am

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