Get out of my head!

It has been a long time since I posted on this blog. I took a break to figure out what direction I wanted to take my writing and my whole life in general. This is going to be a terribly vulnerable post I am already tearing up as I write.

I have mentioned before that I struggle with self-love. I have been trying to figure out where all this is coming from and It is clear I lost myself at some point over the course of my adulthood. Those who are close to me know I cringe whenever I receive a compliment , there is a voice that always responds with disbelief. It cant be true , I am not that great. I am not good at anything. I can barely look at myself in the mirror most days because I rarely like what I see. I almost chopped my hair off recently because every picture I saw of my natural hair in my eyes looked horrible. Instead I braided it, tucked it away so that I didn’t have to see it everyday.

Where am I heading with all of this? I believe I am in a new season of rediscovery. I know for a fact that I have been feeling lost ever since I left my comfort zone of employment and took on the role of  a Stay At Home Mum. The question always ringing in my head is ,is this enough? Can I only be a wife and mum? I have allowed doubts to creep into my mind and my soul doubting my very existence ,wondering if I am doing anything worthy.

Everyone who is close to me says I am. Why don’t I believe it ? From time to time outsiders have asked when I am going back to work. I do not have to explain myself to every person ,but I believe  a part of me has absorbed the worldly value system that is attached to those of us who choose to  stay at home. The world says that only working mothers are superwomen.

They are balancing being powerhouses in the office, and then rushing home to take care of their family, they have an income, their own money. That is what I grew up believing a woman should be. So it has been a real struggle redefining who I was after leaving employment and a regular income.This is a work in progress ,but I have to learn to accept my current status and be content with this season in life.

After all I have a daughter who is looking up to me as a primary care giver. I need her to learn to love herself and to understand that our roles as women are not static they change with every season .Today I am a Stay at home mum, tomorrow I could be employed or running a successful business.

As I weigh my ‘career options’, as I figure out how to generate an income as I take care of Taji ,as I work on being a better human being I know one thing for sure. I love to write, that is my gift from God. I also have the ability to feel other’s pain. There are times I have wept after meeting a complete stranger because I can literally feel their pain. I have gone through experiences In my own life that have led me to question the existence of God.  I did not understand why they were happening to me . Why I had to feel such pain, the kind of pain that made me wish I wasn’t alive. I was reminded why recently. I have felt pain , I have felt loss and felt lost so that I can write about it. I have experienced days where I didn’t want to keep living.Writing is my therapy and hopefully  it will help others. If nothing else it will help someone feel like they are not alone.

So today I am telling the voices in my head that I am not just a mum who just stays at home. I need to change my default settings that use the standards of the world to measure my worth.

The words I choose to focus on ,the words I chose to bring life to are from the Bible.

I am reading the word now like my life depends on it, because now more than ever before it does.

Romans 12:2New International Version (NIV)

² Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.