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Get out of my head!

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It has been a long time since I posted on this blog. I took a break to figure out what direction I wanted to take my writing and my whole life in general. This is going to be a terribly vulnerable post I am already tearing up as I write.
I have mentioned before that I struggle with self-love. I have been trying to figure out where all this is coming from and It is clear I lost myself at some point over the course of my adulthood. Those who are close to me know I cringe whenever I receive a compliment , there is a voice that always responds with disbelief. It cant be true , I am not that great. I am not good at anything. I can barely look at myself in the mirror most days because I rarely like what I see. I almost chopped my hair off recently because every picture I saw of my natural hair in my eyes looked horrible. Instead I braided it, tucked it away so that I didn’t have to see it everyday.
Where am I heading with all of this? I believe I am in a new season of rediscovery. I know for a fact that I have been feeling lost ever since I left my comfort zone of employment and took on the role of  a Stay At Home Mum. The question always ringing in my head is ,is this enough? Can I only be a wife and mum? I have allowed doubts to creep into my mind and my soul doubting my very existence ,wondering if I am doing anything worthy.
Everyone who is close to me says I am. Why don’t I believe it ? From time to time outsiders have asked when I am going back to work. I do not have to explain myself to every person ,but I believe  a part of me has absorbed the worldly value system that is attached to those of us who choose to  stay at home. The world says that only working mothers are superwomen.
create-her-stock-office-beauty5They are balancing being powerhouses in the office, and then rushing home to take care of their family, they have an income, their own money. That is what I grew up believing a woman should be. So it has been a real struggle redefining who I was after leaving employment and a regular income.This is a work in progress ,but I have to learn to accept my current status and be content with this season in life.
After all I have a daughter who is looking up to me as a primary care giver. I need her to learn to love herself and to understand that our roles as women are not static they change with every season .Today I am a Stay at home mum, tomorrow I could be employed or running a successful business.
As I weigh my ‘career options’, as I figure out how to generate an income as I take care of Taji ,as I work on being a better human being I know one thing for sure. I love to write, that is my gift from God. I also have the ability to feel other’s pain. There are times I have wept after meeting a complete stranger because I can literally feel their pain. I have gone through experiences In my own life that have led me to question the existence of God.  I did not understand why they were happening to me . Why I had to feel such pain, the kind of pain that made me wish I wasn’t alive. I was reminded why recently. I have felt pain , I have felt loss and felt lost so that I can write about it. I have experienced days where I didn’t want to keep living.Writing is my therapy and hopefully  it will help others. If nothing else it will help someone feel like they are not alone.
So today I am telling the voices in my head that I am not just a mum who just stays at home. I need to change my default settings that use the standards of the world to measure my worth.
The words I choose to focus on ,the words I chose to bring life to are from the Bible.
I am reading the word now like my life depends on it, because now more than ever before it does.

Romans 12:2New International Version (NIV)

Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.


How to Style a toddler’s natural hair.

1.Gather all and I mean ALL the items required for the mission ahead.All items in the photo are necessary.
2.Pick Toddler as she runs away from mummy.Take spray bottle and liberally spray water all over her head.

3.Toddler will have squirmed away from you in protest at the liquid dripping on her head.

4 .Pick TV remote and pass it to the toddler to appease her (she loves the remote , feel free to use whatever silences your toddler).

5.Take leave in conditioner and apply on her head.Use the brush to comb and  smoothen out any tangles .

6.Toddler is protesting again , shush her and threaten to go on your outing and  leave her at home.When that doesn’t work (it doesn’t work) hand her the thermometer to play with.

7 .Take the comb and quickly divide hair into sections and use the hair bands to style as you desire.

8.After you have finished , you will realise that you did not divide the hair into neat sections.

9.Shrug and move on with your life.

10.I wanted ten points ,so consider this a space filler. happy styling 😎


Throwback BIRTH-day

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Taji- One day old

I have a confession to make, I must admit I have been feeling broody lately. Especially when I see tiny baby boys. I melt on the inside and if the baby belongs to a friend of mine, I have to spend some time holding him. Aaaaah, that new baby smell . That experience of enjoying the cuddliness of a new-born baby, is almost enough to cause amnesia. The kind of amnesia that almost completely erases the experience of  the first few months of parenthood. I said almost. A few hours later after the newborn novelty has worn off. It all comes back to me, and I literally have a conversation with my ovaries.’ Stop it  DON’T even think about it!’ I am definitely not ready  for another one, at least not yet.

Lets throwback on my birth-day , and I will show you exactly what I mean.

DISCLAIMER : I will get descriptive. You have been warned

1.Birth

I had a natural birth which I am thankful for, yes I am. However the pain is unbearable. Forgive me but I will have to use CAPS in this section just to emphasize what it felt like.

My water broke early and after waiting for a whole day, my OB-GYN advised us to allow him to induce labor. The pain is indescribable. I remember the hospital nurse explaining what would happen as she attached me to the drip. I remember her saying it would take about an hour for the drugs to take effect. LIEEEEES! I remember distinctly feeling the drugs coursing through my body and the contractions starting instantly. Nothing prepares you for that.  If labor progresses as it should, there are breaks between contractions where a mother can take a breather  untill the next contraction. There was no such break for me. The contractions are seconds apart, and so is the pain. I had an amazing midwife/doula who helped me through breathing exercises that helped. But still , THE PAIN. Lucky for me my labor only lasted four hours .but still, THE PAIN.

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Syntosin, a drug used to induce labor

 

Thankful for small mercies, therefore Taji was tiny so I didn’t tear and therefore I didn’t need stitches afterwards.

2. Breastfeeding

As a new mum I shed a lot of tears and still feel sad to date that I was unable to breastfeed my daughter for at least the first year of her life. I had so much milk after birth, it was so much I had to keep changing my hospital gown every few hours as I overflowed. During my hospital stay the nurses literally used to drag my nipples and place them into her mouth to show me how to feed her. It was degrading and painful and never seemed to work. She would suck for a few seconds and then cry and cry for hours until she fell asleep. I remember one nurse telling me it was my breasts that had a problem and  after fashioning  a plastic syringe to her liking, she used the air vacuum to repeatedly pop up my nipple. The  discomfort is out of this world.

Nothing worked, she just never did latch properly . When we got home I started expressing milk and feeding her with a bottle. The poor thing hungrily finished it up. During our first Doctor’s appointment she had gone down to two kilograms. The milk I had wasn’t enough, she kept losing weight and eventually we bought formula and never looked back. She drank expressed breast milk for two months and then I went completely  dry.

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What we fed Taji on until she was weaned

 

In hindsight I took the whole breastfeeding experience for granted. I didn’t think she would ‘reject’ her food.Maybe I should have fed her with a cup and spoon, no one told me that. I will get a lactation consultant  next time around , who knows maybe It may help.

3.Growth Spurts /Sleep deprivation/ Teething , they all happen together.

In my experience from around four months, we never seemed to sleep normally again. Once we introduced her to formula  she slept well, from 11pm to around 6am. After four months  sleep became elusive  until around 9 months. I do not know what happened.My husband will tell you I should have let her cry. ( He blames me for her bad sleeping habits ha-ha). I even attended a sleep seminar (ha-ha let me laugh at myself). Nothing  worked and eventually  she set her own sleep schedule. She is asleep right now, on the sofa  . She had slept an hour ago and then woke up. It seems to me she stays up for her dad and rarely settles down until he comes home ( ha-ha it is your fault George). All I know sleep deprivation drove me up the wall. Days merge into each other and the exhaustion never ends. Even when she would  sleep through the night the sleep was never enough. There was so much ‘sleep backlog’ to catch up on.

One day she will sleep at normal hours , without waking up even once until then we trudge on.

4.Hospital Stay

Taji was born in a private room in a private hospital. The labor ward had amazing nurses and  my doctor and mid wife were the best.I loved my experience . After birth I was moved to my own private room. The nurses there were the worst. I  learned later that new mothers are supposed to get a chance to rest and recover from birth as they keep the baby in the nursery. She was with me throughout . I never did get to sleep anyway. The nurses during the night shift would blast loud reggae music for hours on end. It wasn’t until my husband complained that they would turn it down.

Secondly , my OB-GYN cleared me to go home after two days.The hospital pediatrician who was present at birth did not clear Taji for discharge. Apparently they had sent a culture to the lab that would take 36hours for results to show . She was concerned that Taji may have an infection. We had no reason to not trust her judgement. We ended up staying from Tuesday to Saturday. During this period we never got a full report as to what was happening. It was a cat and mouse game with the nurses and  pediatrician who changed with every shift. One would tell us the results were out , the other would say they were not ready. Eventually my husband , the poor sweet man who had been spending the night on the little sofa in my hospital room  to give me support as I tried to breastfeed , finally demanded to see the results and suddenly they were ready and voila the culture showed that there was nothing to worry at. Ofcourse by then my maternity cover had been depleted .

We know better now , if we do have a baby in a hospital next time we will have our own trusted pediatrician who will guide us through the process and if there are any concerns explain them better .

 

5. Domestic managers

My husband and I love our space and had decided that when the baby was born that we would survive without a live in nanny/house help. I was able to hire and train a young lady with the help of my mother in law. She would come early morning and leave in the evening. She was a good cook and cleaned the house well . BUT a month later she was giving me sob stories and asking me to lend her a huge amount of money. I declined, a days later she sent me a text asking me to  give her some stuff from our house. I declined. Then I accidentally found out she was 6 months pregnant  A Fact that she had not told me about during the interview .I then saw her with  some of my stud earrings that I had put aside in a drawer as they were not pairs anymore. I did not feel like this was someone I could trust my child with let alone my house . She was gone . Since then we have not hired anyone on permanent basis. Maybe this year we will be lucky

 

When I look back at this collection of stories I am more amused than traumatized. We had a baby and survived through the grace and strength of GOD.

Maybe we will do this again.

MAYBE.

 

 

 

 

 


We made it

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First post of the year. I feel truly blessed to be alive to see another year come to be. I am not one for making New year resolutions because if anything 2016 taught me , it is that resolving to get through each day is enough. After all tomorrow is not promised, we only have today .

So ,it is 11.12 pm , the house is quiet save for the music i am listening to as i write. Hubby and Taji are asleep . It feels good to have a few minutes to myself. Our baby is now a 14 month old toddler, she has boundless energy . This week she decided to fully start walking. It feels surreal. In my eyes she is a walking,breathing miracle. My heart explodes with joy at-least 20 times a day as I reflect on just how much she has grown. I still have not mastered this motherhood thing.Let me show you just what i mean.

1.Sleeping Schedule

Pray tell, what does that even mean? I gave up trying to sleep train Taji. She has  a mind of her own, and yes Mama doesn’t have the heart to let her cry it out. I tried everything, i read all the books and articles online. She sleeps when she wants and in our bed. DO not judge me , yes i see you, you with the perfectly sleep trained baby who sleeps in their own room. Move along , nothing to see here. I feed her, give her a bath, read her a story,pray with her, give her a last bottle for the day and put her down. Sometimes she sleeps sometimes she decides shes staying up until Daddy comes home. She then sleeps with us for about an hour then i put her in her bed.

I stopped feeling guilty about not having a sleep trained baby. I put her in our bed one exhausted night when she was teething and going through a growth spurt and she finally fell asleep. I figure she wont be with us much longer as she needs to move to the next room. Stay tuned, let us see how that goes!

2. Feeding

Taji eats as she sits in her feeding chair. Thankfully she eats well. She is now fully weaned and eats whatever we eat, spices and all.Depending on her day to day appetite i will feed her three meals or smaller ones spaced out through the day. Including fruits and water  to keep her hydrated especially in this hot January weather. We were lucky that she transitioned to whole cow milk without trouble , yes there was a celebration in our house when we stopped buying formula. Kshs 1050 per tin, how did we do it? God truly provides.

3.Milestones.

If you do not already know, Taji is a fully fledged daddy’s girl. She says mama maybe twice a week, and Dada 50 million times a day. The injustice ! Oh well. She now says Mama, Dada, pupu (when she poops) hi and ba-byeeee , and sings /hums along to her  favourite YouTube videos. Our daughter is a dancer (yeah she got that from me, I had a short career as a dancer ha-ha). She can stand upright and now takes lots of steps around the house. At the rate she is going she will be running by the end of the month. My baby is growing up. Bittersweet.

4.Social life

My daughter loves people thankfully. Mama not so much. Whenever we go for social gatherings i struggle to keep up with the conversations. I used to be a social butterfly ,guess that happens when your daily companion is a baby. Social media doesn’t help  ,i wistfully watch as all my friends go on with their lives. I miss having an ADULT best friend, one that i can call and go for coffee with and laugh as we catch up and talk about our lives.

So in a nutshell, that is where we are at. I have a happy healthy baby , a happy marriage and for that I am thankful for. I am praying a lot as I figure out the next step for me. I need to work on becoming whole , reconnect with the social being that I was, reconnect with my gifts that are meant to be shared with the world. Getting out of this mummy hole with my dark thoughts is proving hard. But I have made a few steps out and each day it gets better and better.

Thank God we made it.

Happy 2017 everyone.


Afraid to be Female

I grew up in Golf Estate phase one near Kenyatta Market in Nairobi. I remember   hating been sent to the shops by my parents.There was always a group of older boys idling on the street corners who would whistle at me and shout all manner of words from across the street.I remember feeling my  stomach constrict and my heart racing whenever I would approach that corner. It didn’t matter whether I crossed the street to avoid them or quickened my steps .Nothing was going to stop them from having their fun.Worst part was I’d have to go through it twice as I headed back from the shops. I remember always feeling scared, hoping and hoping with all my little heart that I wouldn’t find them.The relief I’d feel on the days that they weren’t there could fill up a whole room.

Fast forward to a few years later , I was now old enough to go for driving classes.My parents paid for me to attend them at a driving school on Tom Mboya street in town.It was an exciting time for me as this was my perceived first step towards independence.My dreams were shattered when I met my driving instructor.Every morning without fail he would find an excuse to put his hand on my thigh as I  was driving. It made me feel so uncomfortable and scared.This stranger felt he had the right to do as he pleased without a care in the world.I would push his hand off and tell him to stop.He didn’t.I finally told my mum and the very next day she accompanied to the school and she raised hell in their offices.She didn’t even give the managers a chance to respond and we walked out of that driving school  (thanks for defending me mum).I was enrolled into another school the next week to do the driving test, suffice to say I failed and after that whole unnerving experience, I decided I was done with driving. Until I met my husband years later and he encouraged me to resit the test and I finally got my driving license.

There are many many stories I could write about today , experiences that made me wish I was a man. Why am I telling you all these stories ? Because yesterday a lady posted on twitter about her experience with an Orange Kenya employee.This guy had the audacity to retrieve her number and send her his photo and a WhatsApp chat .He wanted to get to know her better. I was outraged at the breach of privacy.The level of entitlement that this man portrayed. It gets worse,  the responses on social media were AGAINST her for sharing the whole experience on twitter.Very few people stood up for her.She was abused and told off.She should have been happy that a man was hitting on her , never mind how he got her number.What is wrong with the world today?My soul was bleeding by the time I went to bed last night.The saddest part to this whole story, majority of the stone throwers and the nasty insults towards this lady  came from women.

We as women are taught not to get raped, to dress decently so that we don’t attract rapists and tempt men to act on their desire .That’s the message we hear growing up.

Boys will be boys.Let’s excuse their bad behavior after all that is how they were created. That is the message we hear growing up.

I learnt to be afraid at a young age ,and now this Orange Kenya experience has shown me that I need to be very , very afraid for my daughter. 

The comments on social media are a mirror revealing our true nature.Our thoughts give birth to our actions.And judging by what I read last night. God help us all.

I will do my best to teach Taji to stand up for herself whenever she feels disrespected and to feel free to tell me about any incidents because like my mother before me, I will defend her honor.

Let us stop excusing any form of harassment and maybe one day the women can finally stop being afraid to be female.


Back to the basics

Been meaning to write this  for a while now . I feel like the past few years represent a huge metamorphosis for me. Have you ever had that nagging feeling like you didn’t belong? Like you thought differently from everyone else. I’ve spent a lot of my adult life convincing my brain to go along with the  crowd even though everything in me screamed , go the other way.

I would be in the salon feeling like a prisoner sitting in the drier for the millionth time for a wash and set. I hated going through the motions ,applying the numerous chemicals to straighten my hair, because this was what the world dictated as beautiful. Id hear repeatedly that those with natural hair could’nt afford to get their hair done.

I would be in a religious meeting listening to the word and a voice inside would tell me , stop playing church, go out into the world, don’t forget the great commission.

I would be waking up to go to work ,feeling like a minion about to jump onto a conveyor belt. I could do my job in my sleep, I was working just to help pay the bills ,clear our loans that we were paying at the time.

So one day I said enough. I swore never to spend four hours in the salon straightening my hair, or at Kenyatta market getting it braided  for 6-8 hours. I chopped my hair off. That was two years ago ,it marked the beginning of my walk to freedom. I got the usual negative comments I brushed them off. My husband was happy with my choice ,his opinion is the only one I seek.

On the spiritual front I began to seek God on my own. I began to ask and truly try to understand what my purpose was on this earth. I knew that for this season I wanted to become a mother that was the desire of my heart. I also felt that I wanted to be a present parent.A stay at home mother.That scared me, no manner of praying could push that desire away. I knew I needed to leave my job.

You see I have grown up listening to all manner of stories, been told that being an independent woman is how to survive this world. Never rely on a man, have your own money, you never know what will happen in the future if he leaves you. But that way of thinking never felt right to me. You see in my view that is living a life based on fear , I trust in God. He is my provider and my protector. I wanted to be free. and So at the beginning of 2015, my husband and I were planning for the year and I remember we prayed. Crazy prayers basically that If God was to bless us with kids I would be able to leave my job, that we would be able to pay off our debt in one payment . I remember not having any faith it was smaller than a mustard seed.But it happened, God answered our prayer, and when it was time for me to leave employment I remember hearing God saying trust me. And I did.My decision raised a lot of eyebrows, it still does.

You see life is simple. We are born, we live and then we die. God provides my daily guidance on what to do. And when I follow his will  there is so much peace and contentment. I am a woman finding out from my creator how I am supposed to live my life. Not how the world dictates I should live It.

Today a new journey begins, check out this link here later today. This is one of the doors that opened when I stepped out. I am so happy that I am not afraid anymore. That I am a proud misfit . It is a lonely path but very fulfilling and I will continue to walk it for the remainder of my life.

 

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History

For the past few days my mind has been on an incident that happened in my life 8 years ago. I have been having a difficult month since my last blog post and I do tend to feel sorry for myself. I get distracted by my current situation and I forget to look back and see how far God has brought me. I have been praying for miracles in my life , well I remembered one major one 8 years ago.Do you believe in angels? Well, I do.

The year was 2008 .The month of September . It was a Thursday morning and I was a passenger on a motorcycle with a friend. We had barely been on the road 20 minutes when a  security vehicle rammed into us. When I say us, I mean me. The car literally rammed into my left leg and I was thrown off. I still remember vividly the feeling of flying through the air and landing on the tarmac. I rolled and stopped and for a few seconds time stood still. I lifted up my head , I could move. I tried to get up and that is when I noticed that my left leg was facing in the opposite direction, mangled and broken. And that is when the pain hit me. I remember screaming aloud ‘my leg ,my leg will I ever walk again.’ The passengers in the vehicle that had hit me came out to help and were now trying to lift me off the tarmac into their vehicle. The pain was too much, they were causing  more harm than good. Then a white lady came out of nowhere and asked them to put me down. She knelt down beside me took my hand and asked me my name . She then told me her name was Debbie. She said she was a nurse and that her and husband would take me to hospital. She basically took over the situation. She instructed the men on how to carry me carefully and to put me on the back seat of their car. I remember it was a white car , she sat at the front next to her husband whose name was Aram, he was driving .My friend who was on the motorcycle with me sat on the back seat beside me and we left the accident scene.

I remember the husband talking and saying they were Christian missionaries heading to visit their friend when they say the accident.  I remember he said I would be okay and he began to pray for me.He prayed all the way to hospital. The nearest hospital was Karen hospital was five minutes away from the accident scene and we got there pretty fast. He drove towards the emergency entrance, Debbie ran inside and came out with two nurses and a stretcher. She again took over the situation and instructed them what to do.She helped with the admission, made sure that i was comfortable ,made sure that the nurses were checking on me and carrying out the initial first aid procedures. By this time my Father had been called, and this couple said they would stay with me until he arrived. My dad arrived shortly after, and after he talked to me and heard what had happened he turned around to thank the couple for being so helpful and bringing me to hospital. They wanted to leave at this point and my dad asked Debbie for her telephone number so that we could contact them later to properly thank them. She said she didn’t have a phone. So my father turned to her husband and he evaded the question .With my dad’s insistence he finally gave him  a number and they left.

About two weeks later after i had been discharged I remembered to ask my dad for the telephone number . I dialled it. The number didn’t exist. It didn’t ring, it wasn’t engaged,it didn’t exist.

It took me two years to heal from my injury , it was a grueling journey with three surgeries and multiple physiotherapy sessions.8 years later I think about that day, and I remember that my father telling me that morning of the accident, God had urged him to pray for me . He didn’t know why but he did. Was it a coincidence ,that couple happened to be on that road when the accident happened? Was it a coincidence that Debbie was a nurse and therefore knew what to do to take care of me to ensure that I was taken care of and even prevented me from further injury as I was being bundled into the security vehicle after the accident? Was it a coincidence that both of them ,a couple from another country didn’t have cell phones even though they were missionaries living away from home? Why were they so attentive, so caring why did they stay with me until my father arrived?

I believe they were angels, no doubt about it. And I am forever grateful that I am here today to tell this story.

Psalms 91:11

11 For he will command his angels concerning you
    to guard you in all your ways;

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Half a year of milestones

First off happy Mother’s day to every mother out there. I believe God has given us the strength to get up everyday and keep trudging on , this motherhood journey isn’t easy ,but It gets better everyday,

I woke up today feeling energetic and actually felt like writing . I must admit it has been a while since I felt like that. The irony is my husband and I barely slept last night. After midnight yesterday Miss T kept waking up every hour. We tried everything , I fed her, soothed her, changed her diaper , checked if she was cold, nothing worked. She wanted to play! Here was my daughter giggling and kicking and talking and crying. While all we wanted to do was sleep.At some point I was so groggy from sleep that after picking her up I tripped like a drunk and knocked her little hand into the wall. Yeah that didn’t help matters she wasn’t hurt but she cried even louder. Finally earlier this morning she pooped and blacked out into a deep sleep. Halleluyah!

Important lesson here she started weaning and kept passing gas all day but no poop, so the combination of going through her six month growth spurt and not pooping is equals to no sleep for everrrrrrrrrrrrybody.

So here I am at 11 am this morning,blogging,  with a still sleeping baby and sniffing the heavenly smell of pancakes that the hubby is making (yayy for mother’s day ! )

So to celebrate her recent 6 month birth date I will share with you the milestones that she has gone through.

1.Laughing out loud

The sound of Miss T laughing out loud is beautiful. It comes from deep inside her belly. It makes me smile and cry and causes my heart to self combust with joy. It causes me to Praise God for all his blessings.

2.Sitting up

Between 4-6 months Miss T began to sit up all on her own. In the beginning she would sit up and her head would bop around like those little dolls put at the front of the car. Shortly after sitting up she would topple over like an overweight penguin losing their balance. Cutest thing ever. So I ensure she has tummy time to strengthen her muscles and now shes definitely getting better at sitting up without been assisted.

3.Hand and finger co-ordination.

One day Miss T woke up and discovered she has fingers. She can stare at them for an extended period of time. I can almost hear her thoughts as she looks at them.” What are these? What do they do? Look mum I can stretch and fold these thingies all by myself. I have an over imaginative mind and liken her staring intently at her fingers like those cartoon evil villain characters plotting to take over the world.. bwahahahaha.

Where was I? Yes she can now grip onto toys with her hands and shake them repeatedly until they fall onto the floor and then she cries. Mama picks up the toy and hands it over to baby.Miss T shakes the toy until it falls onto floor and cries. Repeat to infinity!

She also uses her hands to knock the sides of her cot repeatedly when she wakes up and wants to be picked up. If we don’t hear that she starts to scratch the same sides with her fingers. It sounds like finger nails on a chalkboard  and gets mama to pick her up real quick. Hmmmm this child. And speaking about fingers she chews and sucks on her fingers like its a piece of sugar cane. Actually at this point everything goes into her mouth. I don’t stop her though , i just make sure whatever it is , is clean.

4. Facial Recognition

Yes like the software . Her internal software recognises her people. She lights up when she sees people she knows. Especially her dad and mum. Who am I kidding ESPECIALLY her dad. She even gives him puppy dog eyes when he prepares to leave for work. hahaha you are in trouble George when she starts to crawl or walk and talk. You ain’t leaving this house unless you sneak out.

5. Mummypulation

A clever term that my sister Mwende came up with and oh Boy have I experienced it.She could be fussing and whining and I hand her over to someone else and she calms down. How does a six month old already know that if she does certain things mama will do her bidding? She has even learned to shout if I ignore her for too long , like right now!

Yes she’s awake need to type real quick.

 

6. Separation anxiety

Mum’s not Taji’s . I have left her for a full day with  George’s mum and she didn’t go on a hunger strike or cry incessantly . She plays, eats , sleeps as normal and for that I am grateful. I wont deny that i cried the first time I left her for a full day. I almost didn’t make it to the car.

And so the journey continues . Will be posting later this week to share my weaning journey so far

Wishing God’s blessings to every woman who is a mother figure to those around you. The world is a little better because you are here.

 

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The narrow way

 

Matthew 7:13-14 New King James Version (NKJV)

The Narrow Way
13 “Enter by the narrow gate; for wide is the gate and broad is the way that leads to destruction, and there are many who go in by it. 14 Because[a] narrow is the gate and difficult is the way which leads to life, and there are few who find it.

 

It has taken me a while to gather the courage to post this but i feel the urging within my soul to tell my story . I consider myself a writer and the best kind of writing is done when you allow yourself to be vulnerable and open. No masks, no hiding behind the words ,there is a lot of freedom in expressing yourself truthfully. Here i am setting myself free and hopefully encouraging others on the same journey.

I have been a Christian since i was a child . I was raised as one, truthfully i have strayed from the path in my adulthood but i did find my way back and in the past five years i feel like i have grown to know God more than my whole life combined. The thing about this relationship is i didn’t really truly know what it meant to follow Christ until i understood what obedience was. I am finally on that journey .

Last year on October 26th 2015 i left employment. i was 8 months pregnant.There were layoffs happening at my place of work ,five people were to be cut from the department and so most of 2015 was spent in anxiety not knowing who or what was going to happen or even when. Finally in October we were informed that the jobs would be cut by the end of the month a few days later we were told that if anyone wanted to volunteer to be laid off there was going to be a severance/pension package available . I talked to my husband about it and we prayed and we felt like this was an answered prayer and i volunteered my name. It had been my desire to be a stay at home mum even before i met my husband i felt that this was what God wanted me to be and when i met George he felt the same way and we decided to keep praying about it until the right time.However we didn’t know how we were going to go about it sorting out all our bills and obligations. It never seemed like the right time for me to leave employment.Now here i was ,pregnant and an opportunity had arisen,with the package i was getting it would be like still receiving a salary and i could stay home for at least a year before thinking about pursuing other income generating activities. It was perfect, it was scary. You have to understand i have never been unemployed i didn’t know what it was not to have a salary, everything was always taken care off. Now after praying and hearing the go ahead God was asking me to trust him and go on journey of complete reliance on him.

So i took it. I took the leap. Most of the people in my life think i was mad to do it.I was bombarded with many statements.. How can you leave work? You are about to give birth! How can you leave your job and rely totally on your husband, men cant be trusted! It must be your pregnancy hormones, do not do it. ..Only a few encouraged me and prayed with me and understood that i was embarking on a journey of obedience.So the agreement was i would receive my severance the next month and my pension dues within 90 days.

The next week after leaving work my baby was born,yes she came a month early! How crazy is that..everything seemed to be aligned! My motherhood journey had began and now i could enjoy being with my baby with no pressure of worrying about having to go back to work. It has been so rewarding to see her everyday, to see every milestone  .I have no regrets.

I did receive my severance but four months later i am still waiting for my pension dues. There have been delays with the processing and no amount of praying and phone calls or email correspondence  has brought it forth and so i continue to wait. It has been financially difficult as the one income is quickly sucked into the vortex of bills and obligations. The past two months have been the hardest as we have basically been living day to day ,we have been blessed as we haven’t lacked a single thing and we continue to WAIT and pray.

So our wallets are empty right now but our hearts are happy and at peace. I continue to trust that eventually i will receive my dues sooner than expected . We both know that all things will work together for good and although some days we are sad and worry about what the next day will bring. We can trust that God has it all under control . So many may think we are crazy and stupid. I mean i should just GO and get another job right? It seems like the easiest option so that we are able to live a life of comfort and be able to acquire the things we desire. But that is not what i have been called to do right now. I have writing projects in the pipeline and they are not fueled by the need for money.I want to use my talents and my gifts to bless others and bring them closer to God.For my time on earth is short . So i pray for his strength to.. trust and obey , for  there is no other way, to be happy in Jesus but to trust and obey!  ( a song i learned as a child)

1 Corinthians 3:19New International Version (NIV)

19 For the wisdom of this world is foolishness in God’s sight. As it is written: “He catches the wise in their craftiness”[a];

 

 

James 4:14 New King James Version (NKJV)

14 whereas you do not know what will happen tomorrow. For what is your life? It is even a vapor that appears for a little time and then vanishes away.

 

 

 

 

 


Four months and counting

I always have intentions to blog regularly but oh boy being a new mum has been a whirlwind of events. As she grows older it will be easier to find time to breath like right now. Our baby girl Taji is now four months old .I thought it would be a great idea to share the lessons i have learned as a first time parent. I love being a mum and i hope my lessons will help other first time parents as they figure out how to take care of their little human.

DISCLAIMER: every child is different so what works for Taji may not work for your baby.

  • Poop is everything! I kid you not this is a subject that is discussed in descriptive detail in our household. The color, texture, smell and whether it is regular or not helps to determine the health of baby. Click on this link to further understand what your baby’s poop is telling you here

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  • Baby’s immunity is stronger than you think. We started leaving the house with Taji at 6 weeks and she was fine. Being confined to the house as a new parent can drive one crazy. So once you feel comfortable and brave enough (i am talking to you mums i know its hard not to be scared ) start with visits to your family and close friends.Avoid crowded places and ensure that everyone who handles your child has washed their hands.My husband and i have gotten the nasty cold going round and even a cough and  Taji hasn’t been sick once .Thank you God!

Taji&I

  • Babies understand a lot more than you think. We both talk to Taji like we would a normal person and as she continues to grow we noticed that she has found a way to respond.When we say something to her she coos in response and laughs and smiles just like a grown up would. Its a beautiful thing to see!   Look baby directly in the eyes as you sing ,talk , read to and play with them. It will teach them how to communicate effectively when they begin to talk

Taji&Mummy talking

  • Their breathing patterns are weird. Since Taji was born we have heard all manner of sounds emanating from her little body. I used to panic in the earlier days thinking that my baby was having problems breathing. Everything from gasps,to growls to snorts. it may sound like a little monster has taken over your house. Trust me its normal .Read this link here for further information on what to expect when it comes to breathing sounds.
  • Heat rash is real! If you are from Kenya like me, then  you know that as a new parent you are advised to dress your baby up in layers of clothing and then wrap them in thick woollen shawls and add socks and a hat. *phew* I am sweating just imagining having to wear all that in this Nairobi heat! My poor baby was over dressed in the early days and developed heat rash . SO i learned as a rule of thumb to dress her in one extra layer of clothing and that was it. Whenever i would put a hat on her head she would develop a fever ! So no hats for her either, and when we are in the house Taji hangs around in a onesie and nothing else. So do not tell me to cover up my child, no she is not feeling cold. She is sweating just like you are . Bye! ( yes random strangers have attacked me in public with harsh words on how to cover her up).I check to see if she is too cold or too hot by touching her back ,that guides me on how to dress her. I will save the heavy clothing for the colder months in the year.IMG_4259
  • Sleep deprivation is a way of life. Taji put herself on a schedule, yes i chose to follow a baby led schedule and it works perfectly for us. She mostly sleeps for 7 hours at night and if she does wake up its once for a feed and goes right back to sleep. However during her growth spurts she wont sleep as well especially during the day so i do not get a break. I got used to it though. On those days i walk around the house like a zombie with uncombed hair and sometimes forget to eat. One gummy smile from her and its all worth it. I will sleep one day..ha!
  • Natural products are the best for baby’s delicate skin. When Taji was a newborn my midwife advised that if i couldn’t eat it i shouldn’t apply it on her. So my staple oils are Coconut oil and Olive oil. I had used Aveeno baby wash on her and it caused a rash to appear all over her body, so no thank you to Johnson and Johnson products. She will graduate to normal soaps and oils when she becomes a toddler. Speaking of rashes, when it comes to diapers i use Huggies Gold in the green packet. The Huggies dry are of cheaper quality and caused my baby’s skin to break out. So yes the the gold are pricier but for now they are the best for her.

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  • Music is life! Taji loves play time, everyday no matter how tired both of us are , we will sing and play with Taji. She responds to music immediately even if she was in a fussy mood. There are a lot of great music channels on YouTube that allow you to sing along. Our favourite channel especially during bath time is Little Baby Bum .They act as a teaching aid as well , by the time she learns to speak she will be able to learn numbers, colors, how to tie her shoes etc
  • Car safety- In our part of the world it saddens me to see that child safety isn’t taken seriously . In most countries abroad when a new parent is leaving hospital it is a requirement to have a baby car seat. We started using one when Taji was days old and has gotten used to it. It’s for your baby’s safety if you are belted up why not protect your baby too? See this link for helpful information on the right type of car seats for your child here

 

  • Take your time in choosing a good pediatrician, the kind of doctor who doesn’t cause panic . As a new parent i spent a lot of time worrying over every little change in our baby .Most days were spent calling the doctor or speaking to my midwife. It was helpful that i had a calm and experienced doctor who advised me on what to look out for. Prescribing medication isn’t the answer to every problem. Most problems are caused by an overactive brain like mine and GOOGLE! (hehehehe). So do your research before choosing a pediatrician and ask questions every time medicine is prescribed, if at all it is necessary.  I also carry around a thermometer in my diaper bag in case i need to check my baby’s fever .

 

SO there you have it, that is all i have time for right now. Feel free to send any questions and we can discuss and find solutions together. Happy Parenting!

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