Been meaning to write this for a while now . I feel like the past few years represent a huge metamorphosis for me. Have you ever had that nagging feeling like you didn’t belong? Like you thought differently from everyone else. I’ve spent a lot of my adult life convincing my brain to go along with the crowd even though everything in me screamed , go the other way.
I would be in the salon feeling like a prisoner sitting in the drier for the millionth time for a wash and set. I hated going through the motions ,applying the numerous chemicals to straighten my hair, because this was what the world dictated as beautiful. Id hear repeatedly that those with natural hair could’nt afford to get their hair done.
I would be in a religious meeting listening to the word and a voice inside would tell me , stop playing church, go out into the world, don’t forget the great commission.
I would be waking up to go to work ,feeling like a minion about to jump onto a conveyor belt. I could do my job in my sleep, I was working just to help pay the bills ,clear our loans that we were paying at the time.
So one day I said enough. I swore never to spend four hours in the salon straightening my hair, or at Kenyatta market getting it braided for 6-8 hours. I chopped my hair off. That was two years ago ,it marked the beginning of my walk to freedom. I got the usual negative comments I brushed them off. My husband was happy with my choice ,his opinion is the only one I seek.
On the spiritual front I began to seek God on my own. I began to ask and truly try to understand what my purpose was on this earth. I knew that for this season I wanted to become a mother that was the desire of my heart. I also felt that I wanted to be a present parent.A stay at home mother.That scared me, no manner of praying could push that desire away. I knew I needed to leave my job.
You see I have grown up listening to all manner of stories, been told that being an independent woman is how to survive this world. Never rely on a man, have your own money, you never know what will happen in the future if he leaves you. But that way of thinking never felt right to me. You see in my view that is living a life based on fear , I trust in God. He is my provider and my protector. I wanted to be free. and So at the beginning of 2015, my husband and I were planning for the year and I remember we prayed. Crazy prayers basically that If God was to bless us with kids I would be able to leave my job, that we would be able to pay off our debt in one payment . I remember not having any faith it was smaller than a mustard seed.But it happened, God answered our prayer, and when it was time for me to leave employment I remember hearing God saying trust me. And I did.My decision raised a lot of eyebrows, it still does.
You see life is simple. We are born, we live and then we die. God provides my daily guidance on what to do. And when I follow his will there is so much peace and contentment. I am a woman finding out from my creator how I am supposed to live my life. Not how the world dictates I should live It.
Today a new journey begins, check out this link here later today. This is one of the doors that opened when I stepped out. I am so happy that I am not afraid anymore. That I am a proud misfit . It is a lonely path but very fulfilling and I will continue to walk it for the remainder of my life.
For the past few days my mind has been on an incident that happened in my life 8 years ago. I have been having a difficult month since my last blog post and I do tend to feel sorry for myself. I get distracted by my current situation and I forget to look back and see how far God has brought me. I have been praying for miracles in my life , well I remembered one major one 8 years ago.Do you believe in angels? Well, I do.
The year was 2008 .The month of September . It was a Thursday morning and I was a passenger on a motorcycle with a friend. We had barely been on the road 20 minutes when a security vehicle rammed into us. When I say us, I mean me. The car literally rammed into my left leg and I was thrown off. I still remember vividly the feeling of flying through the air and landing on the tarmac. I rolled and stopped and for a few seconds time stood still. I lifted up my head , I could move. I tried to get up and that is when I noticed that my left leg was facing in the opposite direction, mangled and broken. And that is when the pain hit me. I remember screaming aloud ‘my leg ,my leg will I ever walk again.’ The passengers in the vehicle that had hit me came out to help and were now trying to lift me off the tarmac into their vehicle. The pain was too much, they were causing more harm than good. Then a white lady came out of nowhere and asked them to put me down. She knelt down beside me took my hand and asked me my name . She then told me her name was Debbie. She said she was a nurse and that her and husband would take me to hospital. She basically took over the situation. She instructed the men on how to carry me carefully and to put me on the back seat of their car. I remember it was a white car , she sat at the front next to her husband whose name was Aram, he was driving .My friend who was on the motorcycle with me sat on the back seat beside me and we left the accident scene.
I remember the husband talking and saying they were Christian missionaries heading to visit their friend when they say the accident. I remember he said I would be okay and he began to pray for me.He prayed all the way to hospital. The nearest hospital was Karen hospital was five minutes away from the accident scene and we got there pretty fast. He drove towards the emergency entrance, Debbie ran inside and came out with two nurses and a stretcher. She again took over the situation and instructed them what to do.She helped with the admission, made sure that i was comfortable ,made sure that the nurses were checking on me and carrying out the initial first aid procedures. By this time my Father had been called, and this couple said they would stay with me until he arrived. My dad arrived shortly after, and after he talked to me and heard what had happened he turned around to thank the couple for being so helpful and bringing me to hospital. They wanted to leave at this point and my dad asked Debbie for her telephone number so that we could contact them later to properly thank them. She said she didn’t have a phone. So my father turned to her husband and he evaded the question .With my dad’s insistence he finally gave him a number and they left.
About two weeks later after i had been discharged I remembered to ask my dad for the telephone number . I dialled it. The number didn’t exist. It didn’t ring, it wasn’t engaged,it didn’t exist.
It took me two years to heal from my injury , it was a grueling journey with three surgeries and multiple physiotherapy sessions.8 years later I think about that day, and I remember that my father telling me that morning of the accident, God had urged him to pray for me . He didn’t know why but he did. Was it a coincidence ,that couple happened to be on that road when the accident happened? Was it a coincidence that Debbie was a nurse and therefore knew what to do to take care of me to ensure that I was taken care of and even prevented me from further injury as I was being bundled into the security vehicle after the accident? Was it a coincidence that both of them ,a couple from another country didn’t have cell phones even though they were missionaries living away from home? Why were they so attentive, so caring why did they stay with me until my father arrived?
I believe they were angels, no doubt about it. And I am forever grateful that I am here today to tell this story.
11 For he will command his angels concerning you
to guard you in all your ways;
First off happy Mother’s day to every mother out there. I believe God has given us the strength to get up everyday and keep trudging on , this motherhood journey isn’t easy ,but It gets better everyday,
I woke up today feeling energetic and actually felt like writing . I must admit it has been a while since I felt like that. The irony is my husband and I barely slept last night. After midnight yesterday Miss T kept waking up every hour. We tried everything , I fed her, soothed her, changed her diaper , checked if she was cold, nothing worked. She wanted to play! Here was my daughter giggling and kicking and talking and crying. While all we wanted to do was sleep.At some point I was so groggy from sleep that after picking her up I tripped like a drunk and knocked her little hand into the wall. Yeah that didn’t help matters she wasn’t hurt but she cried even louder. Finally earlier this morning she pooped and blacked out into a deep sleep. Halleluyah!
Important lesson here she started weaning and kept passing gas all day but no poop, so the combination of going through her six month growth spurt and not pooping is equals to no sleep for everrrrrrrrrrrrybody.
So here I am at 11 am this morning,blogging, with a still sleeping baby and sniffing the heavenly smell of pancakes that the hubby is making (yayy for mother’s day ! )
So to celebrate her recent 6 month birth date I will share with you the milestones that she has gone through.
1.Laughing out loud
The sound of Miss T laughing out loud is beautiful. It comes from deep inside her belly. It makes me smile and cry and causes my heart to self combust with joy. It causes me to Praise God for all his blessings.
Between 4-6 months Miss T began to sit up all on her own. In the beginning she would sit up and her head would bop around like those little dolls put at the front of the car. Shortly after sitting up she would topple over like an overweight penguin losing their balance. Cutest thing ever. So I ensure she has tummy time to strengthen her muscles and now shes definitely getting better at sitting up without been assisted.
3.Hand and finger co-ordination.
One day Miss T woke up and discovered she has fingers. She can stare at them for an extended period of time. I can almost hear her thoughts as she looks at them.” What are these? What do they do? Look mum I can stretch and fold these thingies all by myself. I have an over imaginative mind and liken her staring intently at her fingers like those cartoon evil villain characters plotting to take over the world.. bwahahahaha.
Where was I? Yes she can now grip onto toys with her hands and shake them repeatedly until they fall onto the floor and then she cries. Mama picks up the toy and hands it over to baby.Miss T shakes the toy until it falls onto floor and cries. Repeat to infinity!
She also uses her hands to knock the sides of her cot repeatedly when she wakes up and wants to be picked up. If we don’t hear that she starts to scratch the same sides with her fingers. It sounds like finger nails on a chalkboard and gets mama to pick her up real quick. Hmmmm this child. And speaking about fingers she chews and sucks on her fingers like its a piece of sugar cane. Actually at this point everything goes into her mouth. I don’t stop her though , i just make sure whatever it is , is clean.
4. Facial Recognition
Yes like the software . Her internal software recognises her people. She lights up when she sees people she knows. Especially her dad and mum. Who am I kidding ESPECIALLY her dad. She even gives him puppy dog eyes when he prepares to leave for work. hahaha you are in trouble George when she starts to crawl or walk and talk. You ain’t leaving this house unless you sneak out.
A clever term that my sister Mwende came up with and oh Boy have I experienced it.She could be fussing and whining and I hand her over to someone else and she calms down. How does a six month old already know that if she does certain things mama will do her bidding? She has even learned to shout if I ignore her for too long , like right now!
Yes she’s awake need to type real quick.
6. Separation anxiety
Mum’s not Taji’s . I have left her for a full day with George’s mum and she didn’t go on a hunger strike or cry incessantly . She plays, eats , sleeps as normal and for that I am grateful. I wont deny that i cried the first time I left her for a full day. I almost didn’t make it to the car.
And so the journey continues . Will be posting later this week to share my weaning journey so far
Wishing God’s blessings to every woman who is a mother figure to those around you. The world is a little better because you are here.
Matthew 7:13-14 New King James Version (NKJV)
The Narrow Way
13 “Enter by the narrow gate; for wide is the gate and broad is the way that leads to destruction, and there are many who go in by it. 14 Because[a] narrow is the gate and difficult is the way which leads to life, and there are few who find it.
It has taken me a while to gather the courage to post this but i feel the urging within my soul to tell my story . I consider myself a writer and the best kind of writing is done when you allow yourself to be vulnerable and open. No masks, no hiding behind the words ,there is a lot of freedom in expressing yourself truthfully. Here i am setting myself free and hopefully encouraging others on the same journey.
I have been a Christian since i was a child . I was raised as one, truthfully i have strayed from the path in my adulthood but i did find my way back and in the past five years i feel like i have grown to know God more than my whole life combined. The thing about this relationship is i didn’t really truly know what it meant to follow Christ until i understood what obedience was. I am finally on that journey .
Last year on October 26th 2015 i left employment. i was 8 months pregnant.There were layoffs happening at my place of work ,five people were to be cut from the department and so most of 2015 was spent in anxiety not knowing who or what was going to happen or even when. Finally in October we were informed that the jobs would be cut by the end of the month a few days later we were told that if anyone wanted to volunteer to be laid off there was going to be a severance/pension package available . I talked to my husband about it and we prayed and we felt like this was an answered prayer and i volunteered my name. It had been my desire to be a stay at home mum even before i met my husband i felt that this was what God wanted me to be and when i met George he felt the same way and we decided to keep praying about it until the right time.However we didn’t know how we were going to go about it sorting out all our bills and obligations. It never seemed like the right time for me to leave employment.Now here i was ,pregnant and an opportunity had arisen,with the package i was getting it would be like still receiving a salary and i could stay home for at least a year before thinking about pursuing other income generating activities. It was perfect, it was scary. You have to understand i have never been unemployed i didn’t know what it was not to have a salary, everything was always taken care off. Now after praying and hearing the go ahead God was asking me to trust him and go on journey of complete reliance on him.
So i took it. I took the leap. Most of the people in my life think i was mad to do it.I was bombarded with many statements.. How can you leave work? You are about to give birth! How can you leave your job and rely totally on your husband, men cant be trusted! It must be your pregnancy hormones, do not do it. ..Only a few encouraged me and prayed with me and understood that i was embarking on a journey of obedience.So the agreement was i would receive my severance the next month and my pension dues within 90 days.
The next week after leaving work my baby was born,yes she came a month early! How crazy is that..everything seemed to be aligned! My motherhood journey had began and now i could enjoy being with my baby with no pressure of worrying about having to go back to work. It has been so rewarding to see her everyday, to see every milestone .I have no regrets.
I did receive my severance but four months later i am still waiting for my pension dues. There have been delays with the processing and no amount of praying and phone calls or email correspondence has brought it forth and so i continue to wait. It has been financially difficult as the one income is quickly sucked into the vortex of bills and obligations. The past two months have been the hardest as we have basically been living day to day ,we have been blessed as we haven’t lacked a single thing and we continue to WAIT and pray.
So our wallets are empty right now but our hearts are happy and at peace. I continue to trust that eventually i will receive my dues sooner than expected . We both know that all things will work together for good and although some days we are sad and worry about what the next day will bring. We can trust that God has it all under control . So many may think we are crazy and stupid. I mean i should just GO and get another job right? It seems like the easiest option so that we are able to live a life of comfort and be able to acquire the things we desire. But that is not what i have been called to do right now. I have writing projects in the pipeline and they are not fueled by the need for money.I want to use my talents and my gifts to bless others and bring them closer to God.For my time on earth is short . So i pray for his strength to.. trust and obey , for there is no other way, to be happy in Jesus but to trust and obey! ( a song i learned as a child)
1 Corinthians 3:19New International Version (NIV)
19 For the wisdom of this world is foolishness in God’s sight. As it is written: “He catches the wise in their craftiness”[a];
James 4:14 New King James Version (NKJV)
14 whereas you do not know what will happen tomorrow. For what is your life? It is even a vapor that appears for a little time and then vanishes away.