motherhood

So many Questions.

As a mother even after 20months I still feel like a newbie.I am constantly questioning different things and juggling different anxieties in relation to raising Miss T.

Some of the questions that cruise through my brain are laughable, some are serious.I think.Do you recognise some of them ?😊

1.After a meal.. Was that enough food ?Should I add more ?What if I overfeed her and she becomes obese or gets diabetes?? *sigh*

2.After reading a baby center article..Oh my gosh my toddler should have stopped using a milk bottle with teats by now! It will rot her teeth!Should I throw out the new ones I just bought her and buy  sippy cups?She needs her teeth!

3.How much cow milk is too much ?Can one get an overdose of Calcium? 😅

4.Should I introduce the potty now?(afterwards)Is the potty too shallow, maybe she got into contact with the urine!Ohmigosh I hope she doesn’t get an infection!

5.Pull up diapers pants or no?Are they compulsory?

6.Why does she love to pinch and scratch and hit me so much and not her dad ? Whyyyyyyy? *wails in corner in a pool of tears *Not.Ha.

7.When does one stop using diaper cream on a child’s bum?

8. When does discipline start setting in  and how much smacking is too much ?

And so on, and so forth.I could keep going but I won’t, I think I have shown you enough of my crazy! 😀

Care to share your thoughts and questions that run through your heads as fellow mums?

Let’s talk .

 

 


Get out of my head!

woman-stressed
It has been a long time since I posted on this blog. I took a break to figure out what direction I wanted to take my writing and my whole life in general. This is going to be a terribly vulnerable post I am already tearing up as I write.
I have mentioned before that I struggle with self-love. I have been trying to figure out where all this is coming from and It is clear I lost myself at some point over the course of my adulthood. Those who are close to me know I cringe whenever I receive a compliment , there is a voice that always responds with disbelief. It cant be true , I am not that great. I am not good at anything. I can barely look at myself in the mirror most days because I rarely like what I see. I almost chopped my hair off recently because every picture I saw of my natural hair in my eyes looked horrible. Instead I braided it, tucked it away so that I didn’t have to see it everyday.
Where am I heading with all of this? I believe I am in a new season of rediscovery. I know for a fact that I have been feeling lost ever since I left my comfort zone of employment and took on the role of  a Stay At Home Mum. The question always ringing in my head is ,is this enough? Can I only be a wife and mum? I have allowed doubts to creep into my mind and my soul doubting my very existence ,wondering if I am doing anything worthy.
Everyone who is close to me says I am. Why don’t I believe it ? From time to time outsiders have asked when I am going back to work. I do not have to explain myself to every person ,but I believe  a part of me has absorbed the worldly value system that is attached to those of us who choose to  stay at home. The world says that only working mothers are superwomen.
create-her-stock-office-beauty5They are balancing being powerhouses in the office, and then rushing home to take care of their family, they have an income, their own money. That is what I grew up believing a woman should be. So it has been a real struggle redefining who I was after leaving employment and a regular income.This is a work in progress ,but I have to learn to accept my current status and be content with this season in life.
After all I have a daughter who is looking up to me as a primary care giver. I need her to learn to love herself and to understand that our roles as women are not static they change with every season .Today I am a Stay at home mum, tomorrow I could be employed or running a successful business.
As I weigh my ‘career options’, as I figure out how to generate an income as I take care of Taji ,as I work on being a better human being I know one thing for sure. I love to write, that is my gift from God. I also have the ability to feel other’s pain. There are times I have wept after meeting a complete stranger because I can literally feel their pain. I have gone through experiences In my own life that have led me to question the existence of God.  I did not understand why they were happening to me . Why I had to feel such pain, the kind of pain that made me wish I wasn’t alive. I was reminded why recently. I have felt pain , I have felt loss and felt lost so that I can write about it. I have experienced days where I didn’t want to keep living.Writing is my therapy and hopefully  it will help others. If nothing else it will help someone feel like they are not alone.
So today I am telling the voices in my head that I am not just a mum who just stays at home. I need to change my default settings that use the standards of the world to measure my worth.
The words I choose to focus on ,the words I chose to bring life to are from the Bible.
I am reading the word now like my life depends on it, because now more than ever before it does.

Romans 12:2New International Version (NIV)

Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.


Throwback BIRTH-day

WP_20151104_11_23_12_Pro.jpg

Taji- One day old

I have a confession to make, I must admit I have been feeling broody lately. Especially when I see tiny baby boys. I melt on the inside and if the baby belongs to a friend of mine, I have to spend some time holding him. Aaaaah, that new baby smell . That experience of enjoying the cuddliness of a new-born baby, is almost enough to cause amnesia. The kind of amnesia that almost completely erases the experience of  the first few months of parenthood. I said almost. A few hours later after the newborn novelty has worn off. It all comes back to me, and I literally have a conversation with my ovaries.’ Stop it  DON’T even think about it!’ I am definitely not ready  for another one, at least not yet.

Lets throwback on my birth-day , and I will show you exactly what I mean.

DISCLAIMER : I will get descriptive. You have been warned

1.Birth

I had a natural birth which I am thankful for, yes I am. However the pain is unbearable. Forgive me but I will have to use CAPS in this section just to emphasize what it felt like.

My water broke early and after waiting for a whole day, my OB-GYN advised us to allow him to induce labor. The pain is indescribable. I remember the hospital nurse explaining what would happen as she attached me to the drip. I remember her saying it would take about an hour for the drugs to take effect. LIEEEEES! I remember distinctly feeling the drugs coursing through my body and the contractions starting instantly. Nothing prepares you for that.  If labor progresses as it should, there are breaks between contractions where a mother can take a breather  untill the next contraction. There was no such break for me. The contractions are seconds apart, and so is the pain. I had an amazing midwife/doula who helped me through breathing exercises that helped. But still , THE PAIN. Lucky for me my labor only lasted four hours .but still, THE PAIN.

stock-pic

Syntosin, a drug used to induce labor

 

Thankful for small mercies, therefore Taji was tiny so I didn’t tear and therefore I didn’t need stitches afterwards.

2. Breastfeeding

As a new mum I shed a lot of tears and still feel sad to date that I was unable to breastfeed my daughter for at least the first year of her life. I had so much milk after birth, it was so much I had to keep changing my hospital gown every few hours as I overflowed. During my hospital stay the nurses literally used to drag my nipples and place them into her mouth to show me how to feed her. It was degrading and painful and never seemed to work. She would suck for a few seconds and then cry and cry for hours until she fell asleep. I remember one nurse telling me it was my breasts that had a problem and  after fashioning  a plastic syringe to her liking, she used the air vacuum to repeatedly pop up my nipple. The  discomfort is out of this world.

Nothing worked, she just never did latch properly . When we got home I started expressing milk and feeding her with a bottle. The poor thing hungrily finished it up. During our first Doctor’s appointment she had gone down to two kilograms. The milk I had wasn’t enough, she kept losing weight and eventually we bought formula and never looked back. She drank expressed breast milk for two months and then I went completely  dry.

cow_gate_nutristart1-500x450

What we fed Taji on until she was weaned

 

In hindsight I took the whole breastfeeding experience for granted. I didn’t think she would ‘reject’ her food.Maybe I should have fed her with a cup and spoon, no one told me that. I will get a lactation consultant  next time around , who knows maybe It may help.

3.Growth Spurts /Sleep deprivation/ Teething , they all happen together.

In my experience from around four months, we never seemed to sleep normally again. Once we introduced her to formula  she slept well, from 11pm to around 6am. After four months  sleep became elusive  until around 9 months. I do not know what happened.My husband will tell you I should have let her cry. ( He blames me for her bad sleeping habits ha-ha). I even attended a sleep seminar (ha-ha let me laugh at myself). Nothing  worked and eventually  she set her own sleep schedule. She is asleep right now, on the sofa  . She had slept an hour ago and then woke up. It seems to me she stays up for her dad and rarely settles down until he comes home ( ha-ha it is your fault George). All I know sleep deprivation drove me up the wall. Days merge into each other and the exhaustion never ends. Even when she would  sleep through the night the sleep was never enough. There was so much ‘sleep backlog’ to catch up on.

One day she will sleep at normal hours , without waking up even once until then we trudge on.

4.Hospital Stay

Taji was born in a private room in a private hospital. The labor ward had amazing nurses and  my doctor and mid wife were the best.I loved my experience . After birth I was moved to my own private room. The nurses there were the worst. I  learned later that new mothers are supposed to get a chance to rest and recover from birth as they keep the baby in the nursery. She was with me throughout . I never did get to sleep anyway. The nurses during the night shift would blast loud reggae music for hours on end. It wasn’t until my husband complained that they would turn it down.

Secondly , my OB-GYN cleared me to go home after two days.The hospital pediatrician who was present at birth did not clear Taji for discharge. Apparently they had sent a culture to the lab that would take 36hours for results to show . She was concerned that Taji may have an infection. We had no reason to not trust her judgement. We ended up staying from Tuesday to Saturday. During this period we never got a full report as to what was happening. It was a cat and mouse game with the nurses and  pediatrician who changed with every shift. One would tell us the results were out , the other would say they were not ready. Eventually my husband , the poor sweet man who had been spending the night on the little sofa in my hospital room  to give me support as I tried to breastfeed , finally demanded to see the results and suddenly they were ready and voila the culture showed that there was nothing to worry at. Ofcourse by then my maternity cover had been depleted .

We know better now , if we do have a baby in a hospital next time we will have our own trusted pediatrician who will guide us through the process and if there are any concerns explain them better .

 

5. Domestic managers

My husband and I love our space and had decided that when the baby was born that we would survive without a live in nanny/house help. I was able to hire and train a young lady with the help of my mother in law. She would come early morning and leave in the evening. She was a good cook and cleaned the house well . BUT a month later she was giving me sob stories and asking me to lend her a huge amount of money. I declined, a days later she sent me a text asking me to  give her some stuff from our house. I declined. Then I accidentally found out she was 6 months pregnant  A Fact that she had not told me about during the interview .I then saw her with  some of my stud earrings that I had put aside in a drawer as they were not pairs anymore. I did not feel like this was someone I could trust my child with let alone my house . She was gone . Since then we have not hired anyone on permanent basis. Maybe this year we will be lucky

 

When I look back at this collection of stories I am more amused than traumatized. We had a baby and survived through the grace and strength of GOD.

Maybe we will do this again.

MAYBE.