Been meaning to write this for a while now . I feel like the past few years represent a huge metamorphosis for me. Have you ever had that nagging feeling like you didn’t belong? Like you thought differently from everyone else. I’ve spent a lot of my adult life convincing my brain to go along with the crowd even though everything in me screamed , go the other way.
I would be in the salon feeling like a prisoner sitting in the drier for the millionth time for a wash and set. I hated going through the motions ,applying the numerous chemicals to straighten my hair, because this was what the world dictated as beautiful. Id hear repeatedly that those with natural hair could’nt afford to get their hair done.
I would be in a religious meeting listening to the word and a voice inside would tell me , stop playing church, go out into the world, don’t forget the great commission.
I would be waking up to go to work ,feeling like a minion about to jump onto a conveyor belt. I could do my job in my sleep, I was working just to help pay the bills ,clear our loans that we were paying at the time.
So one day I said enough. I swore never to spend four hours in the salon straightening my hair, or at Kenyatta market getting it braided for 6-8 hours. I chopped my hair off. That was two years ago ,it marked the beginning of my walk to freedom. I got the usual negative comments I brushed them off. My husband was happy with my choice ,his opinion is the only one I seek.
On the spiritual front I began to seek God on my own. I began to ask and truly try to understand what my purpose was on this earth. I knew that for this season I wanted to become a mother that was the desire of my heart. I also felt that I wanted to be a present parent.A stay at home mother.That scared me, no manner of praying could push that desire away. I knew I needed to leave my job.
You see I have grown up listening to all manner of stories, been told that being an independent woman is how to survive this world. Never rely on a man, have your own money, you never know what will happen in the future if he leaves you. But that way of thinking never felt right to me. You see in my view that is living a life based on fear , I trust in God. He is my provider and my protector. I wanted to be free. and So at the beginning of 2015, my husband and I were planning for the year and I remember we prayed. Crazy prayers basically that If God was to bless us with kids I would be able to leave my job, that we would be able to pay off our debt in one payment . I remember not having any faith it was smaller than a mustard seed.But it happened, God answered our prayer, and when it was time for me to leave employment I remember hearing God saying trust me. And I did.My decision raised a lot of eyebrows, it still does.
You see life is simple. We are born, we live and then we die. God provides my daily guidance on what to do. And when I follow his will there is so much peace and contentment. I am a woman finding out from my creator how I am supposed to live my life. Not how the world dictates I should live It.
Today a new journey begins, check out this link here later today. This is one of the doors that opened when I stepped out. I am so happy that I am not afraid anymore. That I am a proud misfit . It is a lonely path but very fulfilling and I will continue to walk it for the remainder of my life.