Posts tagged “prayer

Get out of my head!

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It has been a long time since I posted on this blog. I took a break to figure out what direction I wanted to take my writing and my whole life in general. This is going to be a terribly vulnerable post I am already tearing up as I write.
I have mentioned before that I struggle with self-love. I have been trying to figure out where all this is coming from and It is clear I lost myself at some point over the course of my adulthood. Those who are close to me know I cringe whenever I receive a compliment , there is a voice that always responds with disbelief. It cant be true , I am not that great. I am not good at anything. I can barely look at myself in the mirror most days because I rarely like what I see. I almost chopped my hair off recently because every picture I saw of my natural hair in my eyes looked horrible. Instead I braided it, tucked it away so that I didn’t have to see it everyday.
Where am I heading with all of this? I believe I am in a new season of rediscovery. I know for a fact that I have been feeling lost ever since I left my comfort zone of employment and took on the role of  a Stay At Home Mum. The question always ringing in my head is ,is this enough? Can I only be a wife and mum? I have allowed doubts to creep into my mind and my soul doubting my very existence ,wondering if I am doing anything worthy.
Everyone who is close to me says I am. Why don’t I believe it ? From time to time outsiders have asked when I am going back to work. I do not have to explain myself to every person ,but I believe  a part of me has absorbed the worldly value system that is attached to those of us who choose to  stay at home. The world says that only working mothers are superwomen.
create-her-stock-office-beauty5They are balancing being powerhouses in the office, and then rushing home to take care of their family, they have an income, their own money. That is what I grew up believing a woman should be. So it has been a real struggle redefining who I was after leaving employment and a regular income.This is a work in progress ,but I have to learn to accept my current status and be content with this season in life.
After all I have a daughter who is looking up to me as a primary care giver. I need her to learn to love herself and to understand that our roles as women are not static they change with every season .Today I am a Stay at home mum, tomorrow I could be employed or running a successful business.
As I weigh my ‘career options’, as I figure out how to generate an income as I take care of Taji ,as I work on being a better human being I know one thing for sure. I love to write, that is my gift from God. I also have the ability to feel other’s pain. There are times I have wept after meeting a complete stranger because I can literally feel their pain. I have gone through experiences In my own life that have led me to question the existence of God.  I did not understand why they were happening to me . Why I had to feel such pain, the kind of pain that made me wish I wasn’t alive. I was reminded why recently. I have felt pain , I have felt loss and felt lost so that I can write about it. I have experienced days where I didn’t want to keep living.Writing is my therapy and hopefully  it will help others. If nothing else it will help someone feel like they are not alone.
So today I am telling the voices in my head that I am not just a mum who just stays at home. I need to change my default settings that use the standards of the world to measure my worth.
The words I choose to focus on ,the words I chose to bring life to are from the Bible.
I am reading the word now like my life depends on it, because now more than ever before it does.

Romans 12:2New International Version (NIV)

Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.


We made it

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First post of the year. I feel truly blessed to be alive to see another year come to be. I am not one for making New year resolutions because if anything 2016 taught me , it is that resolving to get through each day is enough. After all tomorrow is not promised, we only have today .

So ,it is 11.12 pm , the house is quiet save for the music i am listening to as i write. Hubby and Taji are asleep . It feels good to have a few minutes to myself. Our baby is now a 14 month old toddler, she has boundless energy . This week she decided to fully start walking. It feels surreal. In my eyes she is a walking,breathing miracle. My heart explodes with joy at-least 20 times a day as I reflect on just how much she has grown. I still have not mastered this motherhood thing.Let me show you just what i mean.

1.Sleeping Schedule

Pray tell, what does that even mean? I gave up trying to sleep train Taji. She has  a mind of her own, and yes Mama doesn’t have the heart to let her cry it out. I tried everything, i read all the books and articles online. She sleeps when she wants and in our bed. DO not judge me , yes i see you, you with the perfectly sleep trained baby who sleeps in their own room. Move along , nothing to see here. I feed her, give her a bath, read her a story,pray with her, give her a last bottle for the day and put her down. Sometimes she sleeps sometimes she decides shes staying up until Daddy comes home. She then sleeps with us for about an hour then i put her in her bed.

I stopped feeling guilty about not having a sleep trained baby. I put her in our bed one exhausted night when she was teething and going through a growth spurt and she finally fell asleep. I figure she wont be with us much longer as she needs to move to the next room. Stay tuned, let us see how that goes!

2. Feeding

Taji eats as she sits in her feeding chair. Thankfully she eats well. She is now fully weaned and eats whatever we eat, spices and all.Depending on her day to day appetite i will feed her three meals or smaller ones spaced out through the day. Including fruits and water  to keep her hydrated especially in this hot January weather. We were lucky that she transitioned to whole cow milk without trouble , yes there was a celebration in our house when we stopped buying formula. Kshs 1050 per tin, how did we do it? God truly provides.

3.Milestones.

If you do not already know, Taji is a fully fledged daddy’s girl. She says mama maybe twice a week, and Dada 50 million times a day. The injustice ! Oh well. She now says Mama, Dada, pupu (when she poops) hi and ba-byeeee , and sings /hums along to her  favourite YouTube videos. Our daughter is a dancer (yeah she got that from me, I had a short career as a dancer ha-ha). She can stand upright and now takes lots of steps around the house. At the rate she is going she will be running by the end of the month. My baby is growing up. Bittersweet.

4.Social life

My daughter loves people thankfully. Mama not so much. Whenever we go for social gatherings i struggle to keep up with the conversations. I used to be a social butterfly ,guess that happens when your daily companion is a baby. Social media doesn’t help  ,i wistfully watch as all my friends go on with their lives. I miss having an ADULT best friend, one that i can call and go for coffee with and laugh as we catch up and talk about our lives.

So in a nutshell, that is where we are at. I have a happy healthy baby , a happy marriage and for that I am thankful for. I am praying a lot as I figure out the next step for me. I need to work on becoming whole , reconnect with the social being that I was, reconnect with my gifts that are meant to be shared with the world. Getting out of this mummy hole with my dark thoughts is proving hard. But I have made a few steps out and each day it gets better and better.

Thank God we made it.

Happy 2017 everyone.


History

For the past few days my mind has been on an incident that happened in my life 8 years ago. I have been having a difficult month since my last blog post and I do tend to feel sorry for myself. I get distracted by my current situation and I forget to look back and see how far God has brought me. I have been praying for miracles in my life , well I remembered one major one 8 years ago.Do you believe in angels? Well, I do.

The year was 2008 .The month of September . It was a Thursday morning and I was a passenger on a motorcycle with a friend. We had barely been on the road 20 minutes when a  security vehicle rammed into us. When I say us, I mean me. The car literally rammed into my left leg and I was thrown off. I still remember vividly the feeling of flying through the air and landing on the tarmac. I rolled and stopped and for a few seconds time stood still. I lifted up my head , I could move. I tried to get up and that is when I noticed that my left leg was facing in the opposite direction, mangled and broken. And that is when the pain hit me. I remember screaming aloud ‘my leg ,my leg will I ever walk again.’ The passengers in the vehicle that had hit me came out to help and were now trying to lift me off the tarmac into their vehicle. The pain was too much, they were causing  more harm than good. Then a white lady came out of nowhere and asked them to put me down. She knelt down beside me took my hand and asked me my name . She then told me her name was Debbie. She said she was a nurse and that her and husband would take me to hospital. She basically took over the situation. She instructed the men on how to carry me carefully and to put me on the back seat of their car. I remember it was a white car , she sat at the front next to her husband whose name was Aram, he was driving .My friend who was on the motorcycle with me sat on the back seat beside me and we left the accident scene.

I remember the husband talking and saying they were Christian missionaries heading to visit their friend when they say the accident.  I remember he said I would be okay and he began to pray for me.He prayed all the way to hospital. The nearest hospital was Karen hospital was five minutes away from the accident scene and we got there pretty fast. He drove towards the emergency entrance, Debbie ran inside and came out with two nurses and a stretcher. She again took over the situation and instructed them what to do.She helped with the admission, made sure that i was comfortable ,made sure that the nurses were checking on me and carrying out the initial first aid procedures. By this time my Father had been called, and this couple said they would stay with me until he arrived. My dad arrived shortly after, and after he talked to me and heard what had happened he turned around to thank the couple for being so helpful and bringing me to hospital. They wanted to leave at this point and my dad asked Debbie for her telephone number so that we could contact them later to properly thank them. She said she didn’t have a phone. So my father turned to her husband and he evaded the question .With my dad’s insistence he finally gave him  a number and they left.

About two weeks later after i had been discharged I remembered to ask my dad for the telephone number . I dialled it. The number didn’t exist. It didn’t ring, it wasn’t engaged,it didn’t exist.

It took me two years to heal from my injury , it was a grueling journey with three surgeries and multiple physiotherapy sessions.8 years later I think about that day, and I remember that my father telling me that morning of the accident, God had urged him to pray for me . He didn’t know why but he did. Was it a coincidence ,that couple happened to be on that road when the accident happened? Was it a coincidence that Debbie was a nurse and therefore knew what to do to take care of me to ensure that I was taken care of and even prevented me from further injury as I was being bundled into the security vehicle after the accident? Was it a coincidence that both of them ,a couple from another country didn’t have cell phones even though they were missionaries living away from home? Why were they so attentive, so caring why did they stay with me until my father arrived?

I believe they were angels, no doubt about it. And I am forever grateful that I am here today to tell this story.

Psalms 91:11

11 For he will command his angels concerning you
    to guard you in all your ways;

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